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unhappy
#1 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
unhappy

Rank: Newbie

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 2

Hi Ostrich and Ruth
Well you guys arnt the only non gamblers, I just had a bad day today with my partner about his gambling problem. So I searched the net about how I could try to help him out, but then I came accross this and thought I'd join, as much stress he might be going through, I feel probably worse then him. I'm 20 years old, and have a 5month year old son with my partner, I'm so tired of his lies and gambling. Dont know what to do anymore. I just feel hopeless.
ostrich
#2 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
ostrich

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 140

Hi UnHappy,
Its not a nice place is it and you feel so helpless. What hurt me the most was the lies and deceit. You also think how can I/we be so unimportant to him that he chooses gambling over us.
Like you I desparately wanted to understand the gambling so I could solve the problem for him. That didn't work.
Are you in NZ? What helped me was looking up the phone book for GA and finding a local counsellor in my area and going to visit her. It is free. That was a huge help. It helped me from going crazy.This forum really helped as I connected with someone in the same boat and it was so good to feel that everything I felt was normal!
The key thing in this was to distance my self from his problem. To get strong enough to have to leave if necessary. To go down the road of tough love. To make it clear that I would support him in anything it took to not gamble, but, I no longer wanted to be married to a gambler.
See, they get the choice to gamble or not, that is their decision when they stand at a machine. the only choice you have is , do you want to be with a gambler and the lies.
So step back, get some help for you. You are very young but obviously bright. Look out for your self and your little one first.
He is the one who has to seek help for himself. If he does it for you then he will not buy into it and end up resenting you as the barrier to his gambling. That is what happened to me.
By helping yourself first you are actually helping him.
a_caring_girl
#3 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

Rank: Advanced Member

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Posts: 101

Hi Unhappy
How are you going? It is very hard when you discover your partner has a gambling problem, It can get very lonely you want to support them and help them, but unless they are ready to do it for them selves there is not alot of hope, I know with my husband I suspected gambling for a long time I kept asking he kept denying, I started to think I was crazy I did not believe a word that came out of his mouth anymore I thought he was having an affair I thought perhaps drugs because his mood swings where so extreme, I had a million different Ideas going through my head daily, anyway I made the choice I set a date and if he had not come clean I was leaving I have two small children and I was willing to fight for my family and my husband but not if he was not going to admit he had a problem, I was not going to stick around and make them suffer too. Anyway lucky for me he did eventually come clean, and has been gamble free for over 6 months, on the plus side although he still does things to annoy me, we have become alot closer, we talk way more than we did before, a long story but he did not want to get counselling as it is something his family was brought up to believe was bad, so I do understand that however I still see my counsellor and I find it helps alot along with this site, The site has helped me understand I am not a crazy person loosing the plot and it also helps me understand how well my husband is doing and what he is fighting daily. He talks to me about all of it to and from here I know the questions to ask, I do think he needs more help than just me, so if you can get your partner to see a counsellor then go for it in most countries they are free and they will help him to no end. you did not say but does your partner want to stop? I also recommend counselling for you, it will help repair the damage done because gambling is not only financial damage. but the trust issues, The aftermath of financial damage and trust issues still gets hard at times, but for each day he stays gamble free that is less damage he could have done, slowly we are getting there it is a long hard road but it is worth it.Keep posting and Take Care
unhappy
#4 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
unhappy

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 2

Hi Ostrich and Caring Girl
Thank you so much for the advice and sharing your story. It really made me feel better then I have been in the last few days. I'm so glade that I joined this msg board, I didnt relise how much help it would give me until now. It honestly feels good to read about others situation and learn from it as well. Reading your guys msgs gave me hope that my partner can stop his bad habbits if he wanted to. I do live in NZ, i've been thinking of getting help al the time, but i never relise it was a problem until my son was born. I thought maybe when our son is born he will relise what he is doing is wrong, but i was wrong. And thing is he sure knows when to pick the right time to go gambling, and thats when im in a happy mood, but then not for long. HE will always deney it all the time. Which hurts the most. He promises to stop, but i always catch him. This may sound abit silly, in my culture some believen their dreams. And for me, I always have the same kinda dream about seeing dogs, and dreaming of dogs is a bad thing, it means someone close to you is going to do something wrong and lie about it. Everytime I dream of dogs, 2-3days later my partner is up to his bad habbits. At first i didnt realy care much for the dream, until it kept happening, then i started believeing them.
Like on Tuesday i dreamt of dogs around me. Straight away I knew my partner was going to be up to no good again. Thursday came, it was beautiful morning, he bathed our son, and let me sleep in, then he went to drop my nephew to kindy, i got up and got ready, as every thursdays we go pay bills and shopping. But not this time, 1 o'clock went by, then 2 o'clock. I waited for 3 hours for him to come home. Then I started thinking about my dream I had few nights ago, and all bad thoughts were going through my head, I was real angry. When he came home, ask him what was he doing, he lied of course and said he stayed at kindy with my nephew for awhile and visited a friend, but thing is I rang the kindy to ask if he was there, but they said he left straight away after dropping my nephew off. So i knew he was lying after lies. Then he admitted he went to gamble. We didnt talk that whole day, and thats when i joined this msg board. This is what it's like most the time. Sometimes worse, I would burst and scream and shout at him, i've even kicked him out of the house 3 times since my son was born. I've taken his gambling more seriously these days, because we dont have money to gamble away, we've got debt over our heads. We live with my uncle, who is a very hard working caring person, and he lets us stay for free, we dont have to pay for anything, and the bad thing is we dont even have money by the end of friday because of our debts. It's quit unfare and stupid. Because living in a free place, we should have money to help pay rent. Just writting about it, upsets me. And never once had my uncle asked for money from us. I feel ashamed sometimes to have a man who is hopeless. Lastnight I read Ostrich msg, and i really took it in, it's right what you say. He has to help himself. Cause I really dont want to live this way anymore, the only thing keeping me going is my son. He keeps me happy, as tiring as it is being a new mum, but I enjoy it. My partner is my first love, we've been together over 2 years now, Im 20 and he's 25, but he acts worse then a 2 year old sometimes. I love him alot, he's a good father and a good in-law for my family. Gambling is the one thing that ruiens it. Lastnight I cried myself to sleep, because I asked him if he wants to get conselling to help his gambling habbits. he said no and went to sleep. Since then we act like nothing has happened. I put a face on infront of him, but inside i'm hurting. Everytime i try to mention to him about his problem, he'll lower his tone, like he doesnt want to listen. After lastnight it's made my dicision easier weather to be with him or not. Tonight when he gets home, i'm going to give him a choice to get help or me and my son leave him. This decision i'v made is because of the advice Ostrich and Caring Girl gave me. I thank you two so much for listening out.
Caring Girl,I'm also really glade that things are working out for you now. Your partner has made a huge turn for himself but most of all for you and your children.
And thank you again Ostrich for your advice, it's really made my mind clearer, about my partners problem. I will no longer let his problem ruien me.
Takcare
PS: I'll probbably come back and write more, this is the first time i've confessed my problem.
a_caring_girl
#5 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Posts: 101

Unhappy as I read your post I had tears streaming down my face, I was so like you, I had a new baby I knew what my husband was doing, I just concentrated on being a New Mum, today I was cleaning out a draw and came across an ad in the paper I had Kept, it was a ad for the sale of our house, I also had a heap of photo's of a the house, the house we had to sell, anyway I then found a bank statement from just after the sale of the house money all withdrawals in pubs used to gamble with. this started my crying spree today, we sold the house lived rent free with my parents, again more money wasted, I think you are being so brave, you are only 20 years old and a new Mum, to have the guts to face it all is so brave, I lived your story gosh I can hear the confrontation of where have you been, I hear your partners tone, well done on being so strong, I hope too god he see's he needs help, but if he does not, I also know you and are son are going to be ok, you are seeing at 20 years old what it took me years and years to see and just as many to actually face it.
jeannie
#6 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
jeannie

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 166

Unhappy A caring girl and Ostrich I probably shouldn't be posting here as I am the gambler and reading your posts made me realize the depth of anguish that this addiction causes. And how that anguish is what my family also went through. I don't know whether this helps but the lies that turn any trust upside down, maybe I am wrong but in my case and many others the lies centred around our gambling activity and nothing else, in other words that was the only time we lied. I don't know whether this will help but being on both sides of the fence me the gambler and lying to my family, and my son with another addiction lying to me. It was only when questions were not asked but when facts where given that we had to face up to what we where doing on some level, as there was no where to go once the facts where laid out ie, unaccounted money missing, When you were seen at a venue etc. If I was asked a question I always had a good excuse I lost count of the times I went out for coffee with fantasy friends, and if that was accepted I was pleased to get away with it, I never took into account what my family was feeling, I was very much caught up with the ever consuming addiction. If I was asked Have you been gambling, my immediate answer was no of course not, even if i wanted to tell the truth I couldn't. On the other hand if I was told Saw the car down the pub, youv'e been gambling, I had to say yes. Unhappy it is true what A caring girl has said you are very brave facing this now and not letting it go for years, you are young enough and though it is going to be painful either way you will be ok. I do not know but sometimes when we have something like this to face a mediator , or third person may be helpful, if that is not possible arm yourself with information on where to get help. You have already established that there is a problem, and have decided to confront this head on, which in the end is the only thing you can do, and for him as well, for him to continue on this path it will wreck his life, I hope your husband sees this as well and seeks help, realizing he has a wife who loves him and a beautiful baby who needs his Dad, not a gambler.
hargar
#7 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
hargar

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Posts: 27

One of the good things about this site is that the people gambling and those effected by it (who aren't gambling) are able to communicate and get an idea of what it is like on the "other side".

Unhappy, if you would like to talk to someone you can call the gambling helpline 0800 654 655. Its a free service in NZ. They won't judge you and you will be listened to. They can give you some information and provide more support for you. Well done for looking after yourself and your baby first.

Hargar
ostrich
#8 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
ostrich

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 140

Hi Unhappy, Caring Girl and Jeannie.
Yes you are right Caring Girl, when I read unhappy's post and your I actually felt sick physically because it brought it all back.
Jeannie I hear what you say about the lies only refering to the gambling and I guess that is why we both have been able to put them in some perspective for the future. My husband even lied to the counsellor. We both went to the session and she was praising him for not gambling (as the question was asked) I was sitting there smiling and happy and he sat there smiling and accepting all the praise and it turns out I find out he had actually gambled that morning on the way there. He also lied directly to my face some 2 weeks later that he hadn't gambled, knowing full well I would see the account withdrawls in the next few days after that. We are talking about an intelligent businessman here.
So maybe that was the final stages for him. Please don't ever let your self get there.
Unhappy I could give you a million examples of times I was left standing waiting for him as he had stopped somewhere for a quick fix. I felt so stupid.
One other tactic I used to help me make decisions was... if this was happening to a very dear friend, what advice would I give them? Because I would be solely focused on what was best for them not the 'couple'.
I call myself Ostrich because for so many years I stuck my head in the sand and refused to see what was right in front of my face. If I didn't see it then I didn't have to do anything about it. But how long can you do that for?? You just go further and further down.
Big Hug for you Unhappy. Get help and support.
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