Hi Everyone, boy has this site given me a wake up call. I never realised how addictive gambling really is. However the support that comes thru on this site is awesome. I didn't know who to talk to about my new found problem but I think I may get some really helpful advice here. So folks I'm putting "my story" here, maybe someone can advise me further. Here goes

I'm over 50 and my life was fairly settled as a batchelor (read grumpy old man)I have great mates and lifes pretty good. Last November I decided to rent out a spare room in my house. A woman (Sue) answered and she presented really well and I agreed for her to move in. Over the next month, much to my surprise, I found myself attracted to her and she to me. Sue was the epitome of calm, well mannered, caring lovely person, she took control of the house, de-batchelored it LOL. We became good friends and lovers I hadn't been in love for years, just casual affairs. I was getting very happy with the new state of affairs. Then the cracks started to appear, just prior to Christmas Sue came home and said she had lost her wallet with her Christmas pay in it. Whilst feeling sad for her I said "don't worry I've got enough money to see us both over Christmas" We had a fantastic Christmas together and became very close (so I thought)Then late January a debt collector came to the house looking for Sue this seemed so out of character for her so I started to think something was amiss. I confronted her about the debt collector and she admitted to having over $10k of similar debts to loan shark kinda companies however at that stage she did not tell me they were gambling debts. I have helped her with her debts e.g rung the companies and organised a weekly payment regime to clear them over the next 12 months (Sue has a good job) SO there I am thinking the crisis is all over and we can continue with our life.
Until last Sat. night that is, Sue had been out for the afternoon with her Daughter, so she said. however at about 8pm she rang me and said she had a confession to make and that I might not want her back. She then told me that she had spent her entire wages on the Pokies and that the money she owed was all down to gambling. I was dumbfounded, angry etc but I told her this is her home and she should come home, she did, full of remourse. It was a fairly emotional 24 hours. She wanted to run away said that I would hate her etc. I simply said that I would support her totally however we would have to agree on some way of overcoming this addiction. At this stage she has agreed that I will have her bankcard and oversight on her bank account. I figure if she hasn't got ready acces to her money then she can't gamble And she has agreed to seek professional help. So I was thinking that I had the problem under control however reading the posts on this site have made me realise just how addictive the pokies are, this won't be as easy as I thought. So folks am I going about this the right way, I'm trying not to be judgemental, I'm providing a calm home front and an old girlfriend of mine is being really supportive to Sue

Hi Caring Girl
Thank you for the reply. I only found this site this morning and when Sue gets home from work I'm going to see if she will start posting her thoughts here. As for counselling for me, thanks for the thought however at this stage I'm only a few days into the challenge so I'm in good shape at this stage. I feel strong enough to face the battle head on. Don't know how I'll feel in a few months, if she continues to gamble. Also I think that the support I will get from this site will go a long way to keeping me focused.
One thing I'm wondering about is my taking control of Sue's bankcard, I figure that if she hasn't got ready/easy access to her money then she can't impulse gamble, however my concern is will this course of action just exaserbate (sic) her feeling of low esteem. Will she end up resenting it or me or both. She says she wants me to do it but I wonder if she really means it.
I'm a fairly decisive sort of person but this situation has me concerned that I may be mis-handling it. I really love her and will do anything I can to help her. She is normally such a lovely person and I am trying to re-inforce this with her. Apart from Sat. night when I growled at her I have since then (Sun Morn)said let's forget about the past and work now on the positives going forward. Is it right to try and get her to forget about the past?
Again thanks for your thoughts Caring Girl

Hi Philiph,
really important that you help her retain some self esteem BUT do it in such a way that she doesn't have control of her $$$.
The counsellor I saw (and I am the wife of a gambler not the gambler) helped me to understand and gave me some real tools to help.
She said that 3 things must be there to enable gambling

1. The urge
2. The resources (read money)
3. The opportunity

So, you cant help her with the urge, that is hers. But you can help with the others. Work out with her what you can do to take away the opportunity. Like self banning from establishments or working out when problem times are and how to fill them other ways.
The resources is the money. Take away the resources and that is a big part of helping her to fight the urges.
Yes she will probably have some resentment of you as the'barrier' to her gambling. My husband was awful to me. But once they get a grip on the addiction and can see a little clearer, that will pass.
Good luck and I wish you well on your journey.

Hi Caring Girl, Ostrich & Circadian,
Wow what a site, thanks heaps for the advice. The 3 of you seem to be saying pretty much the same thing.
So I'll "manage" her card/s and see how that goes. I'm pretty sure Sue does want to stop. What has absolutly blown me away today is the degree to which the addiction takes control of the gamblers life. Until this morning I niavely thought that just by controlling her finances I could get on top of the problem, from what I have read here I can see I'm in for the long haul. However I'm ready for it.... bring it on, I'll be buggered if I let it beat us. But boy oh boy will I be using you guys for ongoing advice, funny I was feeling a bit lonely this morning after reading the posts here but now after a few hours on here I'm upbeat, anybody got any monsters they want slayed LOL

Now Caring Girl & Ciradian thanks for the "wonderful guy" stuff, however let me hasten to assure you that I'm just your typical male with all his male stuff, you know, opinionated, loud, untidy round the house etc etc. Yes Caring Girl I think she is an amazing woman
Once again thanks heaps

Hi Philiph
It is really important that you understand this addiction, and great that you took the time to find out more about it, because it is a sly beast that knows how to hide itself. Just remember that it helps if you separate the addiction from the person, then you can hate the one while still loving the other. In all honesty, I wish there was someone in my life who could take over for a while, to give me time to recover without the added stress of controlling my finances. I think you can do this without too much fuss. Has Sue looked at the site yet? We hope to hear from her soon.

Take care

Hey Phil
Good idea to find other things to do. Be patient. Nobody likes admitting the ugly side of themselves, it is degrading and humiliating, no matter if they created the situation or not. You are doing very well. Hang in there and don't give up on Sue. I felt like giving up on myself often, but this forum is a great source of strength and has pulled me through, so keep posting.

Hi Philiph

Rant away you are forgiven, and trust me totally normal, my god you should read my first posts I was a mess, I was going by the user name so confused, and trust me I was, at first I was so relieved when my husband finally told me, as I had suspected for ages and I thought I was going crazy, or he was having an affair I knew something was up and when he did tell me I felt relief that it was not another woman thought cool I can deal with this, but over the next month or so it was a roller coaster, It was hard for him he did try to be honest and tell me everything in one hit but for the both of us it was exhausting so slowly over the weeks he told me more and more, OMG it was draining and I was trying so hard to keep it together for us and the kids, I remember the only place I had to my self was the shower and trust me I spent a lot of time in there just sobbing away, no one could hear and the water would wash the red eyes away, Sometimes I wish it was another women at least then I would have someone I could yell at LOL,

Cause like you I feel also much anger towards the dam pokies, It is at the point if I go to a pub I watch people playing and I just want to drag them away, I mean the things I have seen since I have found out have truly shocked me I watched one guy in a pub go to the ATM put his card in it got rejected then he grabbed another card then another all of them getting rejected finally he found some money went of and played, 10 minutes later he was there again going though the same process, now the thing that peeved me off, was the ATM was right near the bar, and this one staff member watched him do it again and again, and god it annoyed me, I thought how can you sit there and watch that, I mean they have brochures up about responsible gambling blah blah blah, and I know the staff are trained to deal with it, I mean hell they will tell you ok no more drinks for you, why can they not just say ok that enough home you go, I know why cause they know you will just drive to the next pub and they loose your money, and that is the thing it is all about the money, they stop people drinking to much cause of the dangers, but really there is just as many dangers in gambling suicide rate is so high, I am sure many car accidents happen on the way home from the pub, it is dangerous and I think the government should do way more than they do, but unfortunately I think the thing about gambling is there is such a stigma I mean people seem to openly admit they are a recovering alcoholic or a reformed smoker, and people reply with good on you so well done, where as gambling it is like your what? and Gamblers feel so much shame they do not want to talk about it, I know I am so proud of my husband and I would gladly shout it from roof tops but for him he is like do not tell anyone.

I just hope that in time the stigma is lost and more and more people stand up and say hey listen, cause together I think we can make things change, and I think it is places like this site that people will find there strength to recover and to be herd.

Ok enough ranting from me just keep posting and never worry how long it is or weather you think it is ranting cause a problem shared is a problem halved. hang in there you are doing great and I hope Sue Posts did she read the site last night?

Circadian , pokies and slot machines are the same thing, for some reason we call them different things.

Hi Phil
Are you and Sue doing ok?

Hi Phil all the advice given so far is spot on and it must be a very difficult position that you are both in at the moment. As you have said Sue is a fantastic person 90% of the time and the other percent is the gambling Sue. I am also a gambler and pokies is my particular demon. For what it is worth Sue is eventually going to have to come to her own position to fight this and waiting for that to happen could take some time and maybe time you don't particularly have, It is great that you are supporting her. In the meantime perhaps make yourself safe, Maybe you could talk to her and say that the time she is gambling you are concerned for our financial safety, and therefore you need to put in your own safety net. Ie look after your own money and there is a saying that comes from both gamblers and non gamblers alike and that is never bale out a gambler.... I guess the major thing that needs to happen to turn our heads is that gambling becomes painful and sometimes very very painful. If it wasn't then why change? Maybe try and find out why Sue is gambling, she may not know herself yet. And yes the emotional barrier, sometimesw that is put up because you know you have a problem but to accept that is too hard. Not only do you have to accept the problem but you also have to come to terms with accepting the stigma. Often if people are alcoholics, the response is in the context of an illness its sad but hey they can't help it its an addicition, But gambling, the response usually is that you are stupid. This weekend maybe an opportunity to think this through with a plan to deal with it in mind taking into account the rollercoaster rides that will more than likely happen. A day at a time. Hang in there