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#1 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
fade

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Not sure if anyone has any advice?? I live with a man I care for so much, although he
gambles,drinks, and lies, he always tells me he wants to do something about it,
but i wonder if he ever will. We have a family, and home and have been together 18 years. Our daughter adores her dad but every night he drinks, he hides his accounts. We went to counceling and they said I had to take over the accounts, which lasted probably about a month, then he made sure I couldn't get access into the account after another binge. Sometimes I wonder if thats it. It hurts me deeply, and over the years has paid it's toll. Sometimes I feel like part of me is dying and life is just too hard. What can I do to stop him. I have so little self esteem and feel so lonely. I had a good career that I walked away from when things got really bad because I found out his spending was more than I earnt and he never contributed his time to general life chores. I run down and called it quits, now i think I made the wrong choice...
a_caring_girl
#2 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Hi Fade and welcome to the forum , living with a person with a gambling addiction is very hard, low self esteem and tiredness is all normal, for me I suspected my husband had been gambling for years everytime I brought it up he would deny it and get all defensive and in some ways put me down to bring him self back up, anyway I made the decision if he could not admit he had a problem and try to fix it I was out of there, yes it would be hard and our two boys would miss there Dad, but truth is while he was gambling he was not thinking of them, and in the end they too would get hurt like me, anyway I set a date and stuck to it, I kept asking not fighting about it just being smart I guess, saying things like oh spent to much at the pokies did we, not even giving him a chance to deny it, lucky for me he did eventually come clean, and together we have been working at helping him, I mean gambling is an addiction and like any addiction, it is hard to beat and hard for them to see, we still have our problems from the after effects and there has been some tough times but he has been gamble free for 10 months so he is doing well slowly life is getting better.

But you need to be a little selfish, think of yourself and your daughter until your husband is ready to see he has a problem and face it nothing you do or say will help and it will not stop, and you will just slowly die inside. Only you know your husband so search your heart and find your answers, maybe if you did leave it could be the shock he needs, I know this is hard and very lonely so use the forum to vent, and to get the help you need, there is a wonderful bunch of people on this site, both gamblers and those affected, I find that the understanding of what my husband is going through that I got from the people here has been necessary for my recovery too, so please keep posting and if you have any questions just ask,

Take Care
ruth
#3 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
ruth

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HI caring girl, I have almost caught up with your posts and I must say Happy New Year to you girl. Looks like things havent changed with your parents,I just hope time is a healer.By the way is your husband going out and doing any nice enjoyable thing for himself yet? Or is he not in that space yet? Ten months he is doing so well--how does he stare away from temptation? I would really like to know what he does to prevent himself
Cheers
fade
#4 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
fade

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Thanks caring girl : ) you know I have lived with this for so many years and alot of the time i just switch off and other times i get really low and spend the day feeling sorry for myself and wishing my life was more, i really hate it when he is so nice and then even after so many years I still get suckered. Its like riding a roller coaster and when I try to deal with it I feel sick... and I seem to have developed this thick and uncaring skin that I really don't like and to top it a barrier that keeps me alone. Just reading what I'm saying seems crazy and I seriously have to question which bits are reality.. like today I think, does it really matter and whats going to change anyway. Thanks though for you thoughts.
a_caring_girl
#5 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Fade I totally understand what you are saying, I to was like that, some days I honestly wished I would just die as it was all to hard, then other days I loved my life, and when my husband was being nice to me I could forget about everything that was stressing me make excuse about missing money, but then he would say or do one little thing and that was it I would start remembering everything from the last 14 years, like you I thought ok this is my life deal with it, the thing is you never know how bad things are till you face them I mean I knew we had money problems but the extent of them was a shock to me, loans he had got with out me knowing bills he had not paid oh my god the list went on my husband and I have been together about 14 years for 7 years his gambling was a real problem.

The thing for me I know his gambling changed me to I became so insecure and thought I deserved everything, for ages I thought he was having an affair, cause of all the odd behaviour and the lies, it got to the point he could say to me the sky was blue and I would be doubting it cause everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, there was always tension the arguments over stupid things all because we ignored the real problem, but now our life is so much better, for lots of different reasons, but most of all we are facing this together, I mean as like any couple we still have arguments but they are resolved not last for days or weeks, I now feel secure enough to stand up and say hey that really annoys me when you do that without fear of him running off, and not coming back, and it is worth all the battles to feel happy and secure.

If you need anything please just post never feel anything is to crazy to post I have been in your space and I know at times you feel like you are loosing your mind, trust me I promise life can get better. hang in there and keep posting.
fade
#6 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
fade

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Hi caring girl,I hope you don't mind me asking but do you ever regret it? (staying) I don't believe that everyone is like this and I'm tired of the lies. Every now and then I see a statement in the post and now I open them because it's almost like he's deliberately trying to break me down and things get so confusing. Well when I see his lies on paper I know then it is still going on and all the; I don't do it anymores, whats wrong with you, your so mistrusting, the look of discontent in his face when he looks at me. Seeing how much he goes out and how much he spends and how much he blames me for yet we never eat out or even go out because of the lack of money. I really don't know that I can work through these issues much longer. He has created a fantasy world and I seem to be the enemy trying to get between it all. (like trying to wreck his private ongoing party) I don't think I will ever understand it. I get it people tell fibs so not to hurt others or don't say things if its gonna hurt someone, but I was raised that lying intentionally or for youself, or just plain lying was wrong.. and how can I respect this man who looks me in the face and lies to me continually...and why am I questioning myself daily... what did I do to make him do this, and if I am what he says, and the cause of his drinking and gambling, what kind of person does that make me, what is left. I want to love the man i'm with, but over the years I have learn't not to trust anyone and I don't want to be that person, and he's never stopped his gambling and drinking.
circadian
#7 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
circadian

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Hi Fade
I am a compulsive gambler and I would like to say something to you. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. He will blame the sun for shining if he thought it tried to stop him from gambling. Until he faces his addiction he will lie to everyone, because he is lying to himself all the time. I don't know what you should do, I don't know if there is any hope for your relationship, but I do know that if you want to survive you cannot do nothing, because he is not just going to stop one day out of the blue.

The people on this forum can really help you, they have been through it all, seen both sides of the coin, and they give really sensible advice.

Take care
a_caring_girl
#8 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Fade you may ask what ever you want, I will always do my best to answer ok well truthfully no I do not regret staying and when all is said and done, I am now very happy in my life and secure in my relationship, what I do regret is I let it go on for so long, oh my god I hear the words of your husbands, but I hear my own husband saying them, I tell you he was so good at manipulating me to believe everything he said making me feel guilty for not trusting him making me believe I had the problem, even though in my head I knew he was lying, I would not even discuss my suspicions with any friends or relatives only because I guess deep down I knew they would agree and make me do something, I mean I was not ready or strong enough to cope with it all and for me one of the things I guess that makes me secure now, is we talk about the money there is no more lying, he will explain everything with out the anger or the sarcasm, and with out the lies, we are now a normal couple doing things together.

What I find funny (not haha funny) is things we where doing that I did not even realise where not really normal, I just got so use to things, like when I went out asking for money never having any, I mean for ages I did not even have access to our account and because I was a stay at home Mum for some reason I thought I had no right to ask, he worked I earned no money. I mean hell I never even paid a bill I was Mrs June Cleaver hubby knows best LOL, I look back at myself and I am in shock and then also so proud of how far I have come, I would never have gotten this far with out the site, I saw a counsellor, and I found everything I could on gambling addiction in order to understand my husband I mean the things he did where not him but the addiction and now I have forgiven it I mean the things he did where not personal against me and the truth he felt like shit doing them, and like Circadian says it is not your fault and it took me ages to see that one.

Have you had any counselling yourself ? I think you need to look after you, I know my husband needed the shock of me not taking it anymore I think he nearly died the day I basically got sick of the screaming the crying and I just spoke to him no emotion what so ever, that scared him. I would look for things missing around the house as I new he had pawned them and ask him where they where, I remember the night before he told me I noticed at 11pm my Video Camera was missing anyway I woke him and said have you seen my camera, he woke up and went into some big long story about lending it to a mate I was in shock I just stood there and said with no anger F**k you are good hey, I mean who wakes up and functions that well to lie, I mean god you should be proud of yourself, that was one great bit of acting, I know you pawned it, I know you gamble, I want it back in the house pay day and I tell you things are about to change around her, not emotion no anger, I know it shocked him, anyway the next day I said to him I cannot believe how easy you lie to me told him all the things that where missing in the house, said I do not care what he does with his stuff but touch mine and I won't be happy, anyway the fact I was not going to be a door mat shocked him for the first time he saw hey she may take the kids and just go, as there was no threat of me leaving before I always said it but he knew I would not do it, sometimes I think people need to see what they can loose or perhaps even loose it to appreciate it, as I have said only you know your husband, if you where to leave is there anywhere you can go?
fade
#9 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
fade

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dunno, I just opened up some statements and found the spending at pubs and gambling is still 300.00 weekly, and hes been complaining to me to get another job. i recently gave up work because I was sick of not seeing enough of my family and getting run down dealing with all home finances and struggling to do so, as he avoids any financial commitments and figured at that time his spending was averaging 600. wkly and thought stuff this! I just want a normal (whatever that is) life. We struggle to communicate and he can get quite mean if I try to talk, its like it goes around in circles and always comes back at me. I am terrified at the thought if we split and had to share my daughter what she would see if I wasn't there. One time a while back we split and he had her and dumped her off with someone she didn't even know and she cried all night, he was only interested in filling his own needs. This whole thing, when I think about it is like he is so selfish its all about "i'm ok so alls fine". I feel terrible to say such awful things but when I think of the concequences I just don't know what is best. No matter what I do i'm scared of the end result.
kath
#10 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Fade, if I may. I am a gambler, and everything about this is selfish, and unfair. That is why when you are making your decision you need to take him out of the equation and decide what is best for you and your daughter.
There are ways to ensure that he can't have visitation until he does the right thing.
None of it's fine cause your not fine.

And I cannot stress how important it is to keep talking. Though I'm her no. 1 fan some-one like a caring girl truly lives up to her name and has a strength regarding this battle I think she suprised even herself with. Use that. Keep venting.
a_caring_girl
#11 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Fade oh my god I feel for you I know the joy of the bank statements, I remember getting them and seeing hundreds come out of the bank, bank statement never had time just the dates and amounts anyway one time I rang the bank asked what time the money came out, faced my husband with my evidence, do you know I got into trouble for ringing the bank, and then he told me that he needed to get money out for what ever and it is easier to stop at a pub than an ATM and at the pub you can only withdraw a $100 a hit so he had to wait, oh my god I believed him ( well I did not really but I chose to believe him), I don't know if they help but I tell you my little stories because I know I thought I was insane I thought I was at fault and I want you to see that it is not you, it is the gambling, I would not even fully blame your husband he is dealing with an addiction and I have to say this from this site and from my husband I know there is a difference in the two, read some of the posts on the gambling side, some of the people there are amazing.

As for leaving your husband as Kath says there are ways to stop him having access to your daughter I know it would be hard on her but sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind, really for your own husbands sake you need to do what is best for you guys and one thing I have forgotten to ask but what do you want I mean sometimes in relationships it gets to the point that it is to far to come back do you want to be with man for you not your daughter I mean do you still feel any love, sorry for being so blunt I just want to know where you are at cause this is about you too
a_caring_girl
#12 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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Oh and thanks Kath, just remember I am proud of you too and I did not get this far alone
a_caring_girl
#13 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
a_caring_girl

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.Fade one other thing I wanted to share with you, when I was going through all this with my husband there was a song I listened to over and over again and I wanted to share it with you the lyrics anyway, pity I cannot put the tune on here cause it really delivers the words well, it is about a man watching his best friend coping with a drug addiction, but the words always hit me hard, cause an addiction is an addiction. and for some reason I use to find strength in this song

Wasted Time lyrics by SKID ROW
You and I together in our lives
Sacred ties would never fray
Then why can I let myself tell lies
And watch you die every day?

I think back to the times
When dreams were what mattered
Though talking youth naivete

You said you'd never let me down
But the horse stampedes and rages
In the name of desperation

Chorus:
Is it all just wasted time
Can you look at yourself
When you think of what you left behind
Is it all just wasted time
Can you live with yourself
When you think of what you've left behind

Paranoid delusions they haunt you
Where's my friend I used to know
He's all alone
He's burried deep within a carcass
searching for a soul

Can you feel me inside your heart as it's bleeding
Why can't you believe you can be loved

I hear your scream in agony
And the horse stampedes and rages
In the name of desperation

Chorus.

You said you'd never let me down
But the horse stampedes, it rages
In the name of desperation

Chorus.

The sun will rise again
The earth will turn to sand
Creation's colours seem to fade to grey
And you'll see the sickly hands of time
Will write your final rhyme
And end our memory

I never thought you'd let it get this far boy...
ostrich
#14 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
ostrich

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HI Fade
I am the wife of a recovering compulsive gambler.
He has now not gambled since May last year so we are still on the recovery path.
I guess the light came on for me when I realised I had absolutely no control over his gambling. I could get him as much help as I could but at the end of the day it was up to him. HIS CHOICE.
So I stepped back and looked at me. Wow first time I actually considered ME. What did I want, what were MY CHOICES. I figured out that my only choice was whether I was prepared to live this way, not just for now but forever. The answer was a categoric NO.
He was typical of some one caught in the throes, lying, spending our hard earned savings, and blaming me.
He was absolutely awful to me. I figured out it was because I was the barrier between him and gambling. I was his concience, and he could not look me in the eye. He blamed everything for his addiction. His work, his upbringing, too busy, too stressed, to much time on his hands, You expect too much of me, I heard it all.
So I could not change how he was acting so I had to change how I was acting. So I told him to pack up and move out.

I figured I was absolutely miserable with him there and absolutely miserable with out him but I had more of a future without him as I knew I would get over it eventually and move on.

What happened. He was blown away. He moved out and he realised that there was no crutch for him anymore. He learned that although I loved him I was capable of life with out him and he could see that the out look for my life was better than his. Misery loves company and he was happy to drag me down with him. Was a shock to his core that I would move on.
He then took recovery seriously because it had to be for him, not just to shut me up.
We spent some time apart as he needed to get some grounding and prove to me that he was genuine as I had very much moved on.
We got back together but it is on different terms and is a different realtionship to the one we had before. He knows he has to re earn trust and invests a lot of time in re assuring me.
From my perspective and I have been quite clear with him on this, I know what normal is now. I had forgotten how nice it was. No stress. SO he knows there will be no second chance now, he knows that I am strong enough to move on so he has to give up gambling for him not me.
I wouldn't worry about your daughter. He will try to use her as yet another weapon or bargaining tool with guilt but at the end of the day he will need to figure out for himself that if he gambles, she is also the price he will have to pay.
I personally feel like a great weight lifted off my shoulders when I realised that I don't have a gambling problem. I can move on and leave him and his baggage behind, I don't have to spiral down into that hole with him.
I felt sad, really sad for what could and should have been, but I guess it is like choosing to get out of a car with a driver who is out of control, before it crashes.
Be selfish, think about you and what you want for your future. Then you need to be strong and allow him the space to build his own strength up if that is what he chooses.Then maybe you can get back together on new terms and re build.
Do I regret staying?? Up to this point no, not at all. I have got my best friend back. Would I put up with him if he went back to old behaviours, NO. I never want to go back to that place.
Hope this helps.
ruth
#15 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
ruth

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Ostrich fade Caring girl I am with all of you--and of course relate to everything you have said. As a gambler I have done all the things you have covered--lied covered up etc and agree withKath the whole lot has been selfish and it has affected our whole family. One being that my husband has been the one working long hours while i was out spending it, Another is we havent been able to help our daughter as much as we should have with university fees, ect, Xmas last year was meagre--I had wasted our savings . Everytime i kept thinking it will be ok as I will have a good win next time! I never thought of the concequences of how much i was spending. Well that really is not true as i would worry all the way homw and when I was often so late home I would have worked out some feeble excuse, of which my husband was suspicious and I knew it but denied it. I worried about the next bank statement arriving as I new he would see what i had been doing--and would go to bed and lie awake most of the nighttrying to work out how to get out of this mess--only to find I was getting deeper and deeper into a hole. I was also blaming him for stupid things that were in fact really my fault--it is all part of the guilt trip.
Fade I am only telling these things as I know that is where your husband is at and it was the big shock my husband hit me with about a month ago that he would take over owner ship of everything including excluding me from our house that shook me into realising i seriously had to look at myself. It has not been easy and I know I will go off the rails now and again but I do agree that it is NOT your fault. When he finally has that good shake up he you will see a change for the good in him. With the 2 addictions Im not sure how to help as drinking is not something that affects me at all.I found that when playing the pokies food and drink go right out of the equation--but that is just me.Hope i havent got carried away but jist letting you know what it has been like from my angle. I was concerned though about your precious wee girl being placed with someone she didnt know--that is dangerous. I wonder how he felt the next day about having left her in that situation.
fade
#16 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
fade

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No I didn't mean she didn't know them sorry that came out all wrong, she knew who they were. She had never been left with that person, let alone stay the night without her mum or dad. It was safe, she was only four and thought she was staying with her dad and just freaked out when we weren't there. That made me angry because he promised he would not leave her, and as soon as I left so did he. I know he adores his daughter he just puts himself first. I've told him it's not fare he drinks every night but he feels its his right, and I am trying to control him if I say anything. I would like the choice to live in an occasional substance free enviroment, so who's right. I guess its like this smacking thing going on at the moment, one persons views vs anothers and thats it! Everyone is adamant that in there opinion they are right!

thankyou everyone for the open hearted responses and views. It does help to know how similar the situations are... and that there maybe some light yet.
sunchef
#17 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
sunchef

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Hi Fade,and others
I am a gambler and and alcoholic.No alcohol in my life for the last 3 years and now no gambling for only 6 days.Both of these adictions have cost me a hell of a lot.When it comes to lying we are the best by a long way,its a bad habit to get rid of,I still now have to say to myself why did you just lie?it just comes natural after so long and so much practice.What i would like to say to you here has pretty much been covered but you have to look after yourself first,there is no way your partner is going to sort himself out unless HE wants to,I look back and feel very sorry for my ex and what i put her through,i just hope you can move on with what you want.My favorite quote is..you can not fix the past but you can change the ending.
Take care and look after YOURSELF,looking forward to seeing your progress
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