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confused
#21 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 11

I've been with a lovely young man for 1 1/2 years now. It was a bit of a whirl wind start as I had just come out of a 7 year relationship and wasn’t feeling particularly committed. I was 33 and it felt important not to pursue a relationship unless I wanted to hang in there for a while. My B/F who is also of the ‘free spirit’ nature loved the fact that I was independent and didn’t put ‘pressure’ on him and like wise I loved his attention without feeling suffocated. What a wonderful man who said all the right things. ‘Ill treat you like a princess but I won’t be your slave’.

Over the next 6 months I fell in love with this young mans kind heart and loving nature, we are both sporty and competitive so quite often there would be games and competitions like running, cycling, roller blading and just beating each other at stuff. There were lots of challenges and point scoring. I realized in my life that this is where I wanted to be and how the out doors makes me so happy.

My boyfriend is 32 years old and had a very successful sporting career behind him winning several large titles around the world. At the age of
23 he quit. He says he was burnt out and just wanted a 'normal' life. From that point in time he had people constantly reinforce that he’d given up and that he ‘could have been great’. I noticed pretty early on how it affected him.

In these early stages of the relationship there was little expectation, no large commitments and everything just felt easy and right. I couldn’t wait to see him and would run down the path to his house or jump on him to give him cuddles.

I didn’t fully explore little questions that crept into my head in those first 3 months. The first one being that my boyfriend always carried cash? He just never ever used an eftpost card and when I asked him about it he just said he preferred cash. The next thing that happened (3 months) was a phone call on a Friday night at 7pm – I run my own company so spend many late nights in the office – My B/F told me that his best friend (in Australia) had got himself into a lot of trouble betting on horses and had some heavies after him. My B/F needed an extra $700 on top of the $1400 he was going to lend his friend.

My stomach just dropped. Who the hell was this so called ‘best friend’ and why didn’t he sort it out with his own partner? This wasn’t at all the type of lifestyle that I wanted to be close to. I didn’t want anything to do with it and something was just not right.

When my B/F arrived at the office I’d had a little while to think about it. I bought him in, sat him down and said ‘What the $%^&amp;* is going on?’ My B/F again told me that this was for his friend, but was looking pretty flustered and freaked out. I agreed to lend him the money under the pretence that I didn’t want it on my consciousness if someone was beaten up or hurt. I made it very clear to him that I felt very uncomfortable about lending this much money as we drove to the eftpost machine. I lost a little bit of respect that night but my B/F paid me back so I believed him. The borrowing of money happened a few more times. Not to that extent but he always paid me back.

6 months into the relationship we went through a very traumatic experience. My friend was dying from cancer. For 2 months, my boyfriend and I spent pretty much every evening with her. It was a very sad but also very special time for us. My friend loved my boyfriend and said I looked so happy! I have been raving about him ever since. On the night that my lovely friend died, we were both there. My boyfriend had been amazing. He had rubbed her legs for months. With his sporting background he knew all the muscles and it helped to ease the pain. I told her stories about fiji because she had never been there. My boyfriend and I really grew close and my friends were amazed at his commitment and kind nature – what guy would ever do that so early in a relationship… which by the way I still to this day maintain, he has a great heart and looks after everyone else but himself.

Having worked through some trusts issues in my previous relationship I became determined to make sure I put my whole self into this relationship and after 1 year and having spent almost every night together over 6 months we moved in together. This was the guy I wanted to be with!

We started having difficulties after about 1 month of living together. My B/F was coming home late. One night I even woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn’t in the house ( I later leant he was at the casino)! I told him I was starting to feel lonely in the relationship and what was going on? I put a lot of pressure on him I know this. He had difficulties sleeping and would get up several times a night.

The first time I caught him lying was a night I was out with my friends and he was out with his. We would catch up later on in the evening in ponsonby. I ended up catching up with him downtown because he told me him and his friends had never ventured our way. When his mate asked me where I’d been, and I told him ponsonby, his friend said: ‘Hey we were up there before too!’ It was just a little white lie and my B/F said it was silly and apologies saying he would never lie again.

When ever we had an argument or bust up my B/F has always been so soft and apologised, he’s told me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. He understood he said. Over the months he also expressed that he felt I could sometimes be really hard on him, which I admit that I have had a tendency to be. He felt that he was walking a fine line with me sometimes between my free spirit and my vulnerability.

But he also got depressed because he said ‘I’ve got this great girl that I’ve been looking for all over the world, I don’t know why I’m freaking out’

One night my B/F told me I should go out with my friends, he knew I was stressed about work and wanted to give me some space to have some fun. He didn’t want to go out so would be at home waiting for me when I got back.

At 10.30pm he sent me a text telling me he was going to catch up with a friend. At midnight I sent a text saying I was on my way home and he replied that he was not far behind. Through out the night my B/F sent me messages every hour saying he was on his way back and finally at 7 am he said he was going to crash at his friends place and would be back soon.

That was is it for me! We had already gone through talks about commitment and communication. I got on my high horse and texted him to say ‘Don’t bother’ and his reply was ‘got it’. At 4pm that afternoon he called me and I could hear on his voice that he was pretty agro and on the attack. He said ‘What is going on why did you send me that message’ and I said on the phone ‘I can’t do this anymore’. My B/F demeanor completely changed. He said ‘ok sweet, I’m over it anyway, I’ll pick up my stuff later, don’t bother being there when I get there’ …. Then he left a message saying he couldn’t be $%^&amp;* coming today and would be there later. It took him 5 days to get his belongings. Each day I would come home and they were still there and on the day they were gone I was so sad. The key had just been left on my bed. I just kept wanting him to come back and say everything would be ok.

I knew he’d been on a bender that night. I could hear on his voice that he was coming down from something. I was devastated!!! I cried for two days. I wrote him a letter and about a week later we met up and I broke up with him properly. We sat on the rocks in Takapuna and I cried. He also cried which he said he hadn’t done yet (not even the night my friend died). In my letter had said to him. ‘Its like you have one foot in one world and one foot in the other world. It’s like you want to cross this medow to get to the other side where I am but the thing is that to get through this medow and reach the other side you have to go through a lot of pain and cross many obstacles to really be happy. It was such a sad sad moment. I was letting this guy go. The guy who was the first guy I ever felt I wanted to have children with, the guy who I had so much in common with and the guy who had always treated my like a princess.

Over the next month we kept speaking. I don’t think I have every cried so much and when I was really really sad I would ring him. Several times I said to him I just need to know the truth so that I can move on. My ex B/F was always supportive and he made a commitment to come and speak to me. This is when he told me about his former P addiction. He opened up. We sat on the beach and cried together. He came to me for support and I gave it to him.

When he asked me to come over to his place (he was staying with his parents) I kept away and we both agreed it was too important for us to work on ourselves because we wanted to make sure it was right. We didn’t spend nights together because I wanted to give him space to read his books and just be on his own. So many times I just wanted to run back to him and squeeze him hard and just never let go, but I restrained myself.

By the way in the time after my friend had died from breast cancer, another friend was also going through a rape trial. We both supported her through this too, so no wonder there was a lot of pressure on us both before we had split up.

Before long we were working on getting back together. We both went to see a councilor and I worked on my own trust issues and how to learn not to put pressure on my partner but accept them for who they were. Things were good and I felt like we were working through stuff. After all life isn’t always how you through it would be and life throws you some curve balls huh.

We both learnt that love is a choice and we also learnt about peoples different love languages. We talked about feelings and got close again. After each session we would talk to each other about what had been said. I loved that my B/F was man enough to grow as a person and move forward. This meant to me that in the future when we had problems we could work through them. He understood about the lying and promised ‘no more lies’.

One night before we had got back together again my B/F said: ‘You know I’m going to marry you don’t you!’ I always laughed about it but over the next few months my B/F really made an effort to get home earlier and be more communicative. He was really wonderful, so supportive. He would come in to the office just to give you a kiss and or a cup of tea. I haven’t experience that before and soon we decided to move back in together. He said it would be much better this time because we would have our own place. For our entire relationship he had always given me a kiss in the morning before he left the house and there was always a text message to say have a good day honey when I left the house.

He was so tidy in the house and we would joke about my messiness and his cleanliness. He’s fantastic with kids and they would just gravitate towards him. He wasn’t lazy and got up at 6 am to go to work every day. I felt he was my man and I felt so safe and happy with him. Ask anyone and he was the guy I was going to marry.

About a month ago I went away to Vancouver and LA for two weeks of work. When I came back he seemed different. More distant and removed. Perhaps he had been growing more distant again as we had moved in. I asked him about it and his reason was that we hadn’t had sex the night before I left. He said that it had really affected him a lot. I couldn’t understand because I had called him every day from overseas just to say hello and even when I got back he still kept talking about that being the fact that he was depressed. Sure the sex had tapered off a little and I did feel weird when it seemed to hit him so hard. The text messages in the morning stopped. We had a few arguments where I took off in a huff and like wise so did he. Through out our relationship my B/F had been the one to do the disappearing act and one night I went over to a friends house and stayed there the night doing the disappearing act. This weekend trigged everything!

My B/F went to the casino. I had been asking for the flat card and he stayed away from home for 2 days. He said he was too depressed to come over and could we talk the next day. He dropped the card off to my office and I was smiley and positive but I was shocked. He looked like he hadn’t slept for 3 days. I went straight to the bank and found one with drawal for $80 and then another 8 consecutive for $100 amounts until the account was dry. My B/F had borrowed $1000 from a friend because he felt so guilty about the flat account but the temptation had been to huge so he’d put $350 into the flat account and gambled the rest. I suppose he was hoping that I would just use the card and not check the mini statement. I’d become suspicious because I’d asked for statements over the past month (the account was in his name only and I was putting automatic payments into the account)

That night when my B/F came home he also came clean about his gambling addiction. I was shocked. How could I have been so stupid?

I rang the GA help line and told my B/F I would stick by him but if he lied to me again he would have the opportunity to let me know he had lied. I wouldn’t get angry but if he kept lying then I would need to leave him. There was lots of crying and for him which is also unusual. When he read the gambling book he said it had his name written all over it. He cried on the phone to his parents and we agreed they wouldn’t give us money to cover the rent account he had stripped bare which had our ‘lets have fun’ money in it. Unfortunately they had already paid our rent (yes rescuing)

I tried to support him through his difficult time and reward him for having come clean, but even when he did come clean he wasn’t completely honest about the addiction. I really had to force information out of him. We went to the Bank and printed out all the statements and highlighted the amounts that had been spent on gambling. It came to $47K. As much as I was supporting I was also needing support and swinging madly between anger, frustration, pain and crying.

Little did I know that some of the 47K had also been spent on P!!!! 4 days after the gambling admission and after I had confiscated his phone he told me he’d still been doing P through out our entire relationship. His excuse was ‘well I’m not doing as much as I was, It’s only every 2 – 4 weeks’ and I started just before we got together (1 ½ years and not knowing!!!!!!!! What and idiot I am) He told me it didn’t affect him the same way as it did others and that he could sleep on it. He said that he never got agro and sure I had never really seen him angry or really agro.

I suppose we were both in a heightened sense of reality and on our very own traumatic buzz that week. My B/F was crying saying he had hit rock bottom and needed to get out and get help. I was trying to solve everything by calling every single number I could think of. I pressured him for ‘the truth’ and he reluctantly gave it to me. He swung between being supporting and hugging me, to getting angry because I couldn’t stop asking questions. It also turned out that he has been smoking P with an ex girl friend and that he’s spent the night at her house. He swears that nothing happened and in all this f*****-up-ness I do believe him. I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry and ask questions. He would storm off and sleep on the couch and I would challenge him by marching into the lounge myself and turn on all the lights.

He would get upset and I would hug him and tell him he was a great guy who had everything to live for. I rubbed his shoulders and we cried together.

On the Friday when my B/F mum had paid our rent he had gone to bed at their house. I had spoken to her and she’d decided to kick him out to go deal with life. I had given my B/F space and said how much time would you like during the day to be on your own and make some calls. He said until 6 pm (which was 6 hours) … I even decided to go out that evening to give him space and to have some fun. My B/F was getting sick and when I got home at 6pm he was in bed. I sat down beside him and asked how he was going. He cried and said he had called the Gambling Helpline and got an appointment for Monday. He said he’d tried to do more during the day but he was sick. I rubbed his arm and said ‘hey that’s great!!!!’ well done you’ve made the first step now.

We supported each other but more so I think he felt he supported me. I decided to stick by him and rang the drugs help line. They told me to be positive and I did for a bit. I dragged him out, took him to the beach on Sunday just gone. He was behaving pretty disgusting and weird but I kept my cool. He didn’t have any more money and managed to scrape together a whole bunch of 10 cent coins. He said he wanted cigarettes. I tried to work as a team and see the last remaining money in our flat account as a challenge to get to next base. He didn’t buy the cigarettes and probably felt pressured by me again. My emotions swung between being really positive and really sad.

We stuck it out. He didn’t want to come to the drugs walk in clinic on Monday because he said he needed to do this on his own. I understood. So all in all between our Saturday argument, him telling me about the gambling, the P and today has been one week and 2 days. He’s been talking about getting help and been given the numbers.

His parents knew everything at this stage and were devastated because they had already gone through this before with the P. They were so happy because my B/F ‘they said’ was so happy in our relationship. It was the happiest they had seen him for years. We all got on swimmingly and I loved his family too.

Today (Monday) I gave my B/F a kiss in the morning, we’ve both been really sick through out the weekend too (the flu) from stress I would say. I said good luck for this afternoon and we would talk about what plans he had put in place and then work out a strategy.

At 10.30 his mum rang me and said the GA people didn’t have his name on the books … I wanted to vomit!!! I cancelled my meeting at 11 am and drove home. My B/F car wasn’t there so I called him. He said he had just gone out for a drive to get some fresh air and would be home in a sec. He told me not to worry and would be home soon.

I was crying again, in fact I was having a panic attack at this stage. My boyfriends voice was so sweet and genuine. I waited for 20 minutes, then rang him again. He said he was on the harbor bridge and had been to his mate (who takes P) to get some cigarettes. When he got back I was still in the car. I think deep in my heart I knew it was over. He sat in my car and held me for a while, then he said he needed to do this on my own and for me to give him a couple of days to make his calls. I understood and my emotions have been fighting my logic for the past week.

My B/F said I was taking on his battle which I agreed I was to. It all made sense to me what he was saying and he just seemed so strong in his conviction. I asked about the appointment and he said he didn’t have one because it was too late when he rang on the Friday. He said he had lied because he wanted to have an appointment.

I couldn’t stop crying and even when I was crying I felt guilty because I knew it wasn’t helping him and his guilt. I kept crying and he got angry. His support turned into ‘just •••• off I hate you’ … we ended up in his car and he said ‘Look I just need to do this on my own, I need to go into the house and make some phone calls’. He swung between being incredibly cruel and very sweet but he was not the same. I knew when he walked into our flat that it was over. I watched him in the rear view mirror of my car. That same body and person I have been so in love with for 1 1 /2 years. The guy I wanted to marry and have children and a happy life with.

I can’t imagine the pain that he is going through at the moment and in fact the pain over the past 1 ½ years of being with me and keeping all these lies. Trying to live up to my expectations and just falling flat on his face in silence. Every time trying to convince himself that he could do this on his own and trying to be strong, not realising that the strongest thing of all is to ask for help.

I sat in my car and at that moment I realized I needed to get out of it for both mine and his sake.

When I walked into the house to get my phone charger, my B/F was in bed sleeping, not at all making calls. I sat down on the bed and I said.

‘I love you from the bottom of my heart and you are the first man I have ever wanted to have children with and spend the rest of my life I love you more than I have ever loved but I’m leaving you. I think you are wonderful and I believe that you can do anything you want and have a happy life. I think you are too good for all this but I can’t do it any longer.

He didn’t react much, just nodded and looked at me.

I said that I would be there for him if he ever need to talk to me about life but that I had to leave.

After that I sat in my car and he drove past. He looked like any guy in the world just minding his own business.

I spoke to his mother and sister to let them know my decision. We sat down and had a cup of tea. What really was most important to me at this stage was that my ex B/F didn’t harm himself. It felt like I was handing back a child to his parents. I know he went to his mate that does P because his worried mum tracked him down.

I am completely devastated and just want to curl up into a little ball and vanish. I feel huge guilt because I feel that I have pushed my feelings onto him I’m the emotional expressive person and he’s the quiet introvert. I feel that ever time we ever had an argument or disagreement I drove him to gambling and P and most of all I feel huge pain because I don’t know if anything he ever said to me about love and future was true because it feels like our whole, special, intimate, wonderful, amazing relationship has all been based on lies.

I think that without the addiction we were strong enough to make it through life for quite some time, having kids and marry. But I don’t feel that I can move on from the lies this time. I wish I could zap my brain like in ‘men in black’ and I know that one day when he gets through all of this he will make some lucky girl very happy. I wish I could have been stronger and I wish I could just click my fingers and for everything to be all right again.

I swing between feeling angry and hating every single one of his ‘friends’ who ever took him gambling or every single one of his ‘friends’ who knew he’d been through P rehab and still smoked with him. I hate them because they have taken my man away from me, but deep down I know it’s not their doing but my own B/F’s choice every time he smokes or gambles and I keep wondering if he ever really did love me?

Perhaps I will write again in a couple of months to let other people who are going through the same thing that life goes on. You can only do so much to help someone but it’s not until they truly decide they want to change for themselves that it can happen.

I’m heat broken! But at the same time I am proud of myself for throwing myself into this relationship for the first time and allowing myself to be vulnerable to the man that I wanted to marry and love for the rest of my life.

xxx
taysh
#22 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
taysh

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Hi Confused. Thank you for sharing your story. You laid it all out there in a brutally honest, and emotionally open way. Although it was probably difficult to write your post I hope that it also helped you 'get out' all those emotions.

I myself am a compulsive gambler. I struggle with this addiction to tell the truth, but my aim of course is never to gamble again. I, like your boyfriend, lied to my family. Something now that I regret a great deal. It is only when being honest with ourselves, and others that we can move forward in managing this addiction. I say manage because I do not believe that recovery is possible. I believe that I can find the strength to not gamble again but I will always be a compulsive gambler, and like an alcoholic, can never drink at the well of the pokie machines again.

From your story it sounds like your B/F was not ready to be honest with you or himself. He only admitted things when he was caught. Everything he admitted required you to ask, and it seems like it was difficult to get him to tell the truth. I guess the most telling thing though is his desire to "do it himself". I can tell you when I hit rock bottom I wanted as much support and help as I could get. If I had family around who would help me with this process I would have jumped at the chance. It seems to me he was still hiding.

Although it broke your heart, given the situation you had no choice but the leave him. While in the grip of this disorder our family, friends and partners are not safe from our destructive behaviours. He would have continued lying, borrowing money and even stealing for his habit. He would always have intended to pay it back but somehow that would stop happening without you pressuring him for it. Even then he would most likely borrow money to pay you back. Gamblers are, if nothing else, very creative with finances. It is hard but you have recognised the dangerousness of that relationship to you. I am sorry you had to go through that but if you had stayed things would have got worse.

Given this happened so short a time ago there is still possibility that he will want you both to try again and promise to quit. Honestly, I believe you should not begin the relationship again. He needs to be honest with himself and get back on track. That will take time and it doesn't sound like he is ready to try.

Please post again sometime and let everyone know how you are doing. Even how he is doing if you are aware of it. Thank you again for sharing your story. As someone trying not to gamble it is good to hear what gambling makes us do. It's not really us, but we do it because of this addiction. I don't want to be that person. I won't be.
confused
#23 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Tashy thank you ...

In all the pain it’s good to get some answers from your perspective. I’m struggling with all the ‘what ifs’ … Perhaps I wasn’t supportive enough? Maybe if I hadn’t been so pushy with all the questions and so suspicious all the time he would have been feeling more supported. Maybe if I’d just backed off more…..

Even before I found out about the Gambling he used to say I wasn’t always so supportive and sometimes if we had an argument he would just say ‘yeah I’m just a %^^&amp;** looser’ and walk away. On the other side I was working very hard to be close to him and in the end it just seemed like he was pushing me away. I never ever wanted to hurt him or make him feel small, I wanted him to have everything that life can offer! It was really such a change from the man I got back together with. I guess it all just got to hard and painful.

My brain is trying to figure everything out which I know is not constructive. What I do know is that I completely adored him from the bottom of my heart and would have done anything for him. We had some amazing times and some very close moments. For me a big part of the hurt are the drugs because I know don’t if all those special times really meant anything to him.

He’s was so shut off when I told him I was leaving. There was no fighting to keep the relationship. There were no tears. From the time he admitted the gambling to a week later his who demeanor had changed again from someone who said he needed help to someone lying about his GA appointments.

I guess it takes a lot of courage to say ‘I need help’ but also that if you love someone set them free…
hocko
#24 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
hocko

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Hi Confused,
It took a lot of courage for you to open your heart and discuss how you felt. I am a compulsive gambler and it's good to hear the other side of the equation. Firstly, you are not to blame for anything and some gamblers try to make their partners feel it is their fault when in reality IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AT ALL. Gamblers have to want to change before they can help themselves and no cajoling, pleading or otherwise will change this. We are not bad people, but have a very serious addiction which is extremely difficult to control. I personally feel you have made the right choice, however painful it might be, because while your B/F does not accept he has to change, things would only have got worse. Thank you for sharing with us and I wish you all the best.
confused
#25 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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HELP!!!!

I went back to our house today to get some clothes. I haven't been there since we broke up 2 days ago and neither has my B/F (well ex) ... it was all left exactly the same. We haven't spoken either and I don't think I'll ever hear from him again. It's hard because it's not a relationship which has broken down because two people don't love each other... I'm so angry!

I found his gambling book on the coach and under the section where it asks what the benefits of quitting gambling are he had written:

1. To stop lying to my partner and family
2. To live a guilt free life
3. To save money

I can't remember what the last one was because my heart just broke again. It was the 'guilt free' line that made me crack. I'm so tired or crying!!!!!!!! I am finding it so terribly hard to no send him a message or call him. My heart just goes out to him but I know this is his battle and I'm scared I that I just want to run back to him.

My councilor told me I was an 'enabler' as I am taking on a lot of guilt and that helped a bit.

I keep calling my friends when I get the urge to call him. Anyone got any advice or ideas on how to get through this????
taysh
#26 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
taysh

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 164

Hi Confused. Well it almost sounds like you are addicted to him (sorry excuse my little joke). It's not a joking matter and any relationship break up, no matter what it was for, is difficult. This is particularly difficult because you feel his pain, and know that he has a difficult road ahead of him. I think what you have to keep in mind isn't his role in things but your own. What I mean by that is keep in mind how the relationship affected you. Essentially his lies made you feel insecure, angry, hurt. You found it impacted on your life enough that you couldn't go on with his behaviours continuing. No matter how you feel about him those things are still ALL THERE. He hasn't quit gambling yet no matter how much he is thinking about it. He won't really be ready for a truthful relationship for a while. You need to concentrate on yourself knowing that by doing so you are not only looking after yourself, but in a way doing him a big favour. There is no doubt that one day he will want to quit and will have to face all the things he has done in order to continue with his addictions. Knowing that you got on with your life will be important as if you continued trying and years later are a mess will eventually eat at him.

I think your counsellor is right as well. You are trying to look after him. When you think like that you lose sight of all the 'very good' reasons that you ended the relationship. Yes he is going to be struggling but that IS NOT your battle. Your battle is to continue with your life, get back on your feet, start socialising with others and eventually, down the track a bit, the pain will lessen and you will begin to open your heart to others. If you do call him and become embroiled in his life again history will simply repeat at this point.

My advice, delete his phone number from your phone. Pack up your belongings and move them. Write a letter detailing your feelings about what happened, including your anger, as well as your hopes for him in the future. Let him know it isn't ending badly but that it is just ending. Make sure you place in the final sentences that you really hope he gets help and improves his life, that you love him, but that for YOUR benefit you will be having no further contact with him and will refuse contact if he calls. You must make this clear. You can even say that you would be willing to be friends in time but that you need at least a year to recover from this breakup. Admit that you do. Acknowledge that if you do ring him your life will be about his life. Leave the letter at home or post it to him. Use that letter as a way of finalising things for you. Use it to outline all the reasons the relationship wasn't working with his addictions and behaviours and how they made you feel. Edit it as many times as you need but give yourself closure with it.

I know it's hard confused but you must go on otherwise you he will take you to rock bottom with him. I would use your friends and counsellor for as much support as you need. Remember though that support should be about you, not him. Any gambler who is recovering (or maybe even just one who is honest enough) will tell someone to get out of a relationship with a gambler, and if they won't put as many financial and emotional protections up as possible. Sorry if this seems harsh. I truely did not mean to, just trying to be honest.
confused
#27 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Thank you!

I need to hear the harsh truth because it's my heart ruling me at the moment...

I guess I'm a romantic and perhaps yes I'm a little addicted myself and maybe I'm also looking for a quick fix.
circadian
#28 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
circadian

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Dear Confused
I just read your story and I want to tell you that my heart goes out to you. Being caught in the web of lies and deception that an addict spins is horrible and heartbreaking. I am not going to try and give you advice, I think the others did an excellent job. What I will do, however, is tell you a little bit about what goes on inside a gambler's mind.

When I gamble, time stops and money no longer has any value other than a means to continue gambling. I have left my family for 24 hours without any word of where I was or if I was alive, not caring that they were in a panic and concerned for my safety. In fact, I got angry when they asked me where I was, and felt "caged in". I also did not care that I was gambling away money that we needed to survive. All I cared about was staying at the casino and playing the slots. My addiction ruled all my actions and emotions. This does not mean for one second that I don't love my family or want the best for them. I am a good friend and a loving mother, and generally a great person. I feel deep, horrible guilt whenever I gamble, and I hate it that I sometimes lie to cover up my addiction. It has nothing to do with my love for others and I don't lie about anything else.

The addict lies only to protect his/her addiction, not to hurt anyone. If it is any comfort to you, I am sure your life with your ex was not just one big lie. You have no guilt here, nothing you did or did not do could affect his behaviour. He needs to figure things out for himself and he has to want to do it. For himself.
Take care and I hope your heart feels a little bit better today.
confused
#29 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Hello from the other side:

Tomorrow it will have been one week since I left my B/F ... I have cried and cried so much and now I guess I must have reached another of the 7 stages of grief.

Last Thursday I got a message on my phone from my ex saying he was just calling to see how I was and that we should talk about the flat at some stage... I struggled and struggled and was on the verge of calling him when a friend talked me out of it.

On Saturday and Sunday his parents came to our flat and helped me move all the furniture out. I guess they were being rescuers but I did actually ask them for help myself and said I wasn't ready to talk to or see my ex. His family are %^&amp;* amazing! It makes me sad because I don't have the family support and I wish people would see what they had sometimes.

From my side of the fence the last week has been a torturous re count of all the times I was lied to. My brain has worked over time and I've tried and tried to stop it but couldn't. I've been waking up 5-6 times a night and every time I wake up the brain just kicks in again figuring out moments where he made excuses for being late, not wanting to come out or just not letting me know where he was.

Same for his parents. They have been waking up at 2 and staying away waiting for a call or a knock on the door.

Yesterday I got a text message from my ex again saying he didn't know if I wanted him to call and Sorry x.

I don't know what to do. I've deleted his number. I have no idea if he is still taking drugs.

His parents (they saw him yesterday for the first time) say that he's determined to do this on his own without them (Ie he doesn't want to be bailed out which is good). He's lost weight and looking skinny and haunted, but there is no emotion i.e crying. He was asking them about me and I think the Dad just changed the subject.

Taysh I haven't written that letter yet and I just don't really feel ready to know what I want to put in it. I know I'm still clinging to hope and perhaps that is why I haven't. But I know in reality this is a long process for him and because I do love him I won't be in contact.

I can't imagine what he is going through!!!
circadian
#30 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
circadian

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Hey Confused
Well done on being so strong in such a terrible time. I understand that your brain is trying to compute this whole thing, especially the lies, but it does get better. It might be a good thing to distance yourself from everything for a while. Try to get your thoughts on something else, because you are never really going to figure it out. Unless he cleans up his act, you should not even consider contacting him. Well done on deleting his number from your phone, you are protecting yourself from calling during those weak moments. I hope you are feeling a bit better today.
taysh
#31 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
taysh

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Hi confused. Not writing that letter is OK. In fact it doesn't have to be one letter. You know you can write letters that you never even send him. It can just sometimes help to get it out, put it on paper. You may need to do this several times as you go through anger and grief. It's just a way of acknowledging the pain and trying to get it out and deal with it rather than swallow it down. Stay strong. I know it feels awful right now but it will get better.
alone
#32 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
alone

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Hi Confused,
I have been in your situation with my ex B/f and I know what you are going through plus the blame that you face and all the what if's. But there is only one thing you can do and that's think of yourself. When my ex moved in with me I knew that he had a gambling problem and I thought we could get through it together with my help but I was wrong. It got worse, then he moved out on my birthday last year without telling me. That broke my heart and I realised from that day I couldnt do it anymore, he was pulling me down with him. It wasnt until a year later with very little contact between us that he hit rock bottom. He was determined and had made a decision to quit his job sell everything and go back into rehab. He has been there nearly two months and will be there for another four to six months. I go see him every weekend and he is like a changed person but I know he still has along way to go. No relationship can survive when one person is destroying it slowly with an addiction. Confused I can so relate to everything you are going through or been through. But you cant change someone if they arent ready or willing to change. All you can do is be strong and do what is right for you. We are all here for you if you need a friend xx
confused
#33 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Thank you Alone.

I suspect that perhaps my ex will also keep going down his path for a bit longer before he hits rock bottom.

I feel like my heart has been ripped from my gut. I've completely cut him off. He's texted me once and called twice and I've not returned any calls. When I found out about the gambling because our flat account was bare and the P by checking his text messages on his phone he said 'There's nothing more to say, you've got it all out of me now' .... That proved it all. He's not ready to face it. He is still telling people that he's 'only' been doing it every few weeks. He's always maintained that he can sleep on it. He'd told me he had a former addiction but was over it. He look deep into my eyes and promised me that he wasn't doing drugs anymore, but he knows every ^&amp;*( jargon. I think he has even been dealing because he got messages on his phone asking him to 'hook' people up. Friday night then on Saturday morning.

I lived a life with this guy planning a future and opening my heart to him.

A friend of mine who has been having lessons with him is gutted because she says he's the best in his field she's ever known. She left a message for him saying: 'Obi One, I know what is happening and that you are traveling down the dark side. If you want to return to the light side I can help you with numbers. I've seen many people go down the gambling or P road and there are 3 places I've seen them end up. Some are in jail, some are dead and some have pulled through, in the mean time I won't be using your services any more because I don't want support you traveling down the dark side'.

He did call her back and ask for numbers, but some how I don't think he's quite there yet because he still maintains its ok cause he 'can sleep on it' and that he's 'only' been doing every few weeks. I think he may have had a meeting with GA, but who knows?

My friend told him I would only ever speak to him again if he'd been through rehab and clean for at least 6 months. I'm not sure she should have said that because it shouldn't be about me it should be about him, but at least he got the message that there is no weaseling his way back in my life on P or Gambling...
confused
#34 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Hey guys,

Today was the first day that I started to feel a little less like Gello and a little more ... well something slightly more stable. I haven't been taking any txt or calls from my ex ...I've been going through hell and stone cold sober been living through the pain and agony... I've cried and cried and dealt with all the pain. Never once have I called him or replied because that would be for my own selfish reasons. So I'm sitting in the office and my phone rings. I though it was my sister because she is the only one who has private number.

I wish I hadn't answered it now!!!!!! It was my ex. He took caller id off because he knew I didn't want to talk to him otherwise. We had a conversation for a few minutes. He told me he was getting help and that it had just hit him. That he was really struggling because he knew I didn't want to talk to him, that he had hit rock bottom and knew he needed help. That he was getting help. He said that yes he had thought about driving off the cliff on the day that I left him...

I couldn't help myself but cry on the phone. I told him I had to cut him off for his own sake and that it was his journey, that I hoped he got some help and suggested a few people who I've spoken to. I said I'd read up about the situation he was in and also the reality of where he was at. Then his phone died because it ran out of credit. He called back, I didn't answer and he left a message saying thank you for talking to him and that we'd talk later.

I'M SO @#$%^&amp;*()_#$%^&amp;*()%^&amp;*($%^&amp;*() ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How dare he manipulate me like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll at least I can see that is what is happening. Actually it's left me cold inside!!!! How @#$%^&amp;*() selfish. I'M SOOOOOOOOO FURIOUS!!!! So he's hurting now and needs to talk to me and because he knows I'm not speaking to him if !@#$%^&amp;*()_@#$%^&amp;*() calls me and takes caller ID off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR WHAT DO I DOOOOOOOOOOO???????????????????
alone
#35 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
alone

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Hey Confused,
You sound really angry and I can understand why. If you are wanting no contact with your ex then you need to tell him that and tell him when he calls that you dont wish to speak to him at all. Dont start a conversation with him if its not what you want. You have a choice and you dont have to speak to him. And yes people with addictions are very good at manipulating people, you want to believe them but until they can show you that they are changing or getting help then it is just empty words that they say. What do you want from your ex, do you want to be left alone and have him gone from your life?
confused
#36 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Yes sorry ... not constructive.

I'm angry because I've been going through so much pain and really tackled the pain head on over the past two weeks. It's been agony. I've never feel emotional pain that actually feels like physical pain. I'm angry because my ex has decided that he needs to talk to me it's ok for him to remove his caller id to 'make' me answer the phone!!! Even after his last text was 'I'll leave you along now' .... and even after telling me that he didn't really get hurt over a break up, that he didn't like being close to people and that I should f off and just get on with my life. I know that it's all from denial, but geeee does it hurt to hear that!!!!

What do I want? What I want is for none of this to have ever happened and there be no Gambling addiction where he stole my money or P addiction where he's lied to me for our whole relationship ... from the very first date... I don't understand how you could ever think that there was a chance to build a relationship on lies? I don't understand what his intentions were? I don't understand why you would move in together? Why would you talk about a future and why would you be looking at buying a house with Baycorp on your butt???

I know he's not a bad person deep down, I know that the hugs or the compliments or the special moments were real, I know that the kiss every morning wasn't a lie.

I just don't understand I guess and that's my frustration... I would love for it to all be ok but it's not and from what I've been told even by ex addicts is to cut him out of my life. So all the times where I've really wanted to text back or call I've just rather gone through the pain because I've been told it's the only way he would ever start looking at his life and wanting to change ... for himself.

This whole situation just really sux big time :-(((((( yes I miss him heaps and I'm angry because he says he'••••• rock bottom but I think he's just still in denial :-(
jeannie
#37 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
jeannie

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Confused I just sent a post and scratched it maybe I shouldn't have, Maybe this suggestion might help, I know your pain is intense, but maybe if you do have contact again that you make it perfectly clear that its not too happen at this precise moment in time but maybe twelve months down the track. That will give you both time to heal and for him if he is serious to get on with the job of recovery, without pulling you down with him. He has to do this for himself and there is plenty of support out there for those of us who are inflicted with gambling to be able to do it without direct support from those of us who are close to us.
There is no real understanding of this addiction, and even if you did understand it, it won't make it go away, wish that it could.

You have probably gathered that I am a gambler , and yes I have hurt my family and those I love unmeasurably, to the point where my mother passed away before her time, and my siblings are quite convinced that my gambling and the stress that it caused was part to do with my mothers passing. I agree with them, and that is large burden to bear. Yes I am still loved and cared for by my family, but each one of them refuse to enable me in my gambling, and I thank them for that. Anyway things will get better. You have to live your own life and try not to let anger turn to bitterness. Take care
confused
#38 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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Thanks Jeannie,

Yes the pain is a type of pain I've never ever felt. Breaking up with someone is bad enough without all the extra ???? you are left with. In my ex case he seems to have lived 4 lives let along one extra one that I didn't know about. He has kept all his 5 circle of friends separately and the ones that smoke P with him didn't know about the Gambling and the Family and I didn't know about either, then other people are cropping up out of the wood works and suggesting other types of benders and partying!!!!

The last message from my ex was on Saturday asking if I knew where some bunny ears were for the television????? He also asked for my bank account details so that he could start to pay some money back ... I just don't know about giving him these details. It sounded like an excuse to me... so I didn't reply.

Next thing he's got his mother calling me to relay the message!!!!!!!!!!!!

He already knows I don't want anything to do with him unless he's been through rehab and clean so why does he persist after he already said he would leave me alone???
confused
#39 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
confused

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It's now been 5 weeks since I left my ex. I have never once picked up the phone, sent a text message or tried to contact him. I have known all along deep in my heart that there is nothing I can do for him and by keeping in contact I am only helping in delaying his recovery ... (that is if he chooses to recover from both gambling and drugs) ... I have had yet another message from him offering condolences as my 22 year old nephew killed himself a week ago ... even in this deep dark moment I didn't not reply and even in this deep dark moment the pain wasn't the same as breaking up with an addict.

When someone dies there is no turning back and you know that. You are forced to deal with things straight away. When you leave someone you love, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, someone you click with the pain is different. There is an internal battle your survival instinct kicks in, your protection mechanism guarding your territory.

I have just returned from two weeks in Beijing where I have had an amazing time. I have watched hundreds of hours of sports, cheered on athletes and had the privilege of being looked after by a sporting federation. In the 5 weeks since I left my ex our lives have accelerated in two vastly different directions I would imagine. I'm starting to feel happy again, I'm out socializing laughing and having a good time thanks to my wonderful friends! I'm open to being happy. I don't know what the future holds, but I know it will be good. I wish my ex could see what I see and I wish he could have shared an amazing Olympic experience with me but the journey starts from within in and I can only hope that one day he allows himself to be truly happy because everyone deserves happiness.

In the mean time I will stick to the promise I made to myself and not have any contact unless he has been through rehab and clean from drugs and gambling. You guys are all right, there is no point in two people going down the gurgle.

I've learnt a lot through this and it's been THEEEE most painful experience ever, but in the end life is all about choices, consequences and ultimately living. Whilst we in the western world complain about our issues there are billions of people out there that don't have it even half as good as we do, so perhaps as victims of those who have hurt us through their addictions we also have choices and perhaps should practice what we preach.

To all of you who are going through hell and tearing yourselves away from the ones you love. Get out there and live life, it's not just about the addicts choices but also your own.

x
worried_one
#40 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
worried_one

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For the last 6 months i have been preparing to marry the man of my dreams- our wedding date is set next month, our invites sent out etc and then 2 days ago he told me that he had been gambling while trying to get the money we needed for our wedding. He said he had spent 2K from our wedding fund and maxed out all his own credit card and over draft trying to get the money back that he kept losing. He has never had a serious gambling problem, sure he liked to play poker occasionally but never anything like this and now that i think back on it, all the things he would say to explain where he had been, why he had no money, why the bills were paid late etc all make sense now. He is the most wonderful person you would ever meet- kind, loving, not bad tempered at all and that is why i ahd no clue as to what was going on until i checked our wedding account and saw how much money was missing.
Right now i have never felt more empty and sad in all my life. Do i trust this was a one off can i ever trust what he tells me again? do i still marry him in the hope that he could change and no one is perfect?
Because i have never been around gambling or beleived in it i have no idea how someone could do that.. and now i have to consider calling off my wedding becasue this is not a life i want for myself if this wasn't a one off.
I feel so disappointed but so confused becasue how could you keep going knowing that you were spending money that was meant for your wedding?

I dont even know if we can afford the wedding anyway becasue of this and i feel completely devastated to think that a moment ago i was so happy and marrying someone so amazing and now i feel so empty and unsure of what to do.

If only i didnt love him so much it would be so much easier to walk away but i love him with all my heart and there is no easy choice wither way.

Please help-

worried one x
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