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dazed
#1 Posted : Sunday, 28 August 2016 11:53:43 p.m.(UTC)
dazed

Rank: Newbie

Groups: Registered
Joined: 28/08/2016(UTC)
Posts: 1

So I relapsed and it's been going on for a few weeks now, but yesterday was my lowest point and this morning I thought "wtf am I doing?!" The relapse started slowly because I wanted to get more money to pay bills/ debt faster. I find it easy to switch off the part of my brain that says you don't want to do this before and while I'm playing. Afterwards though I feel like shit. I'm able to walk away if I have massive wins but in the last few weeks there haven't been any, so I've left empty handed eveytime. I make more money than the average person in a day than they do in a week so I've always been able to get more straight away. But now things are absolutely dead slow in my job and getting more money straight away is an issue. I'm still in debt and now I'm weeks behind in rent with the landlord asking for it by this Thursday! I lied yesterday to my father and friend to borrow money so I could play and try win what I lost - something I've never done before, and I feel ashamed today because of that. At the time I was highly stressed feeling like everything is crumbling and not in the right head space. Now today I'm still stressed about it and pissed at myself for playing, for losing and getting in this situation again. I feel like a horrible person and just want to hide away. But I can't. I still have to work and pay my debt. Looking back over the last few weeks I know that if I had just used the money I played to actually pay rent/ debt - it would have been paid for, instead I tried to win back what I'd lost each time. I knew this morning that I need help so I'll go talk to someone face to face tomorrow - it's what works for me. I do have a counsellor that I see but haven't done so in weeks. I should have kept in contact! It only took that one time I gave myself permission to play to get into a situation like this. So don't fool yourself into thinking that it will only be this one time and a little amount because it won't. Now I'm going to go cry, straighten myself out, forgive myself and make a plan to try not gamble today. Thank you for this forum and being able to share.
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