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#1 Posted : Saturday, 9 November 2019 10:37:31 a.m.(UTC)

Rank: Newbie

Groups: Registered
Joined: 9/11/2019(UTC)
Posts: 2
Location: Brisbane

Deep self hatred from childhood and messed up family - an emotionally absent mother and emotionally and physically abusive father. Didnt think it was so deeply ingrained as to keep messing my life up even though I have one foot in the grave already. Money - had it, gambled it - stopped gambling, then started again - then stopped for a long time (maybe a year) and then went back with avengance. Screwing up my finances, screwing up my plans for the future - the house I want so badly isnt looking so promising any more. Paid today, gambled the same day. What the hell am I doing - have done counselling, have done SMART - know the rhetoric - practised the tools but here I am again at square one. I dont trust myself anymore and nobody knows that I have this problem. Upset - gamble - angry - gamble - things dont go to plan - gamble - start getting ahead - gamble - SELF SABOTAGE, NO SELF FORGIVENESS - HOW CAN I????? The cycle keeps going on and on. God cant help it is up to me. Suicide has come to mind many times over the year as a solution but it would mean losing everything and everyone else as well. Can someone please labotomise me? Received bad health news a couple of years ago - just getting on top of it now with meds - but so so many medical bills I figure I dont give a crap - Im spending on doctors and specialists so now I am going to spend money on something i enjoy but i only enjoy if im winning and am spending more than i earn and wasting all my hard earned savings. I am at a loss - I dont know what to do or who to talk to about it or even if it will work.
#2 Posted : Friday, 28 February 2020 7:46:31 a.m.(UTC)

Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 25/02/2020(UTC)
Posts: 73
Location: was Auckland

Was thanked: 2 time(s) in 2 post(s)
Hi Ree, Seems a crime that no-one has replied to your message - until now. I feel for you - both for your troubled past and for now.
The only words of wisdom that spring to mind at this time is: Today is a new day (I have no idea why I think words of wisdom is required but hey there it is)
No matter what happened yesterday, we can look at the sky and think, ok, new day, no guilt/fear from yesterday, fresh and clean for today... now its just up to us to keep it that way.

This is the way - this is how you can go on ....

It's what I am telling myself and I think it helps.
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