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alice
#1 Posted : Friday, 1 April 2011 1:01:00 p.m.(UTC)
alice

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Joined: 1/04/2011(UTC)
Posts: 3

Hello!

Happy to see such a place exists. Anyone have any advice for me? My husband was always verbally abusive, then he became physically abusive, then I put him out for what was supposed to be at least a month, but was only a week, he went to counseling a couple of times, then began gambling compulsively. We own a restaurant, and by the time I realized he was gambling excessively he had lost more than $20,000 in one year. After I confronted him with the proof he stopped for a while then went back and the pattern continued for the next two years.
Now I've confronted him again. This time I have no proof, he's become very clever at hiding evidence, but we both know I know. He's not gambling right now, it has been a month, but he refuses to admit that the financial problems we now have are due to his gambling. I'm waiting for him to start again. I'd like to know how to deal with this. Any advice? Just a note, when he started gambling he stopped being abusive, which is probably why I was willing to put up with it at first.
cairns87
#2 Posted : Saturday, 9 April 2011 9:15:00 p.m.(UTC)
cairns87

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Joined: 19/05/2010(UTC)
Posts: 67

Hi Alice. Gambing and abuse are both self destructive for a family. My advice would be to make him confront his gambing and abusive patterns through counselling. If he wont commit to that, im pretty sure the gamblinmg helpline can help out those affected by their family members gambling through counselling. Their No. Should be on the 'contact us' tab. Hope this helped.

cairns
GH Admin
#3 Posted : Thursday, 14 April 2011 3:12:00 p.m.(UTC)
GH Admin

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Hi Alice, Julias86, Mac, Cat2003 and Cairns87,

Yes you can call us at anytime for support on 0800 654 655. It can be really tough to be in your position. It is really up to you to decide what you want to do. Here are some suggestions that you might want to think about.

1. Let the person that is gambling take the responsibility for their gambling. This could mean; not giving them money (this includes paying for any expenses or even buying food), letting them seek out their own treatment; and realising that you are not to blame for their gambling.

2. Set up and stick to very firm boundaries around what you will and will not do. This means being open, honest and consistent with what you do and say, for example, if told the person that was gambling that you will not longer pay their bills then do not pay their bills. Deciding what you will do can be very important not only to protect you and keep you safe (potentially from burning out and feeling used) it also puts the responsibility of the gambling back onto the person that is gambling. This in time may help them decide to seek support.

3. Have a support network for yourself. Coming onto this site is great, unfortunately it has been very slow recently. There is free one on one counselling available for you too if you want to go. Sometimes being open and honest with friends can help ease some of these horrible feelings.

4. Remember that you do not deserve to be abused. You deserve to live a life free of any threat of abuse from you partner. If abuse does start happening again or there is a threat of it then remember that there is the option of calling the police for immediate support. There is also a domestic violence line that you can call for free, 0508 384 357.

Remember that these are just suggestions and that it is up to you to decide to explore any of these options. Also remember that you can call us at anytime for support on 0800 654 655.

I hope that this information is helpful.

GH Admin
John Henry
#4 Posted : Tuesday, 30 August 2016 11:19:54 p.m.(UTC)
John Henry

Rank: Newbie

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Joined: 30/08/2016(UTC)
Posts: 1
Location: Auckland, New Zealand

Hi Alice,
Feeling sad to hear that. what i suggest is to give him love and peace at home so he don't feels like hurting you. This is just my simple advice.
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