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sandy
#61 Posted : Friday, 8 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
sandy

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Welcome Adman we all know on the site what a hideous addiction gambling is.I have huge urges today and hope I can get through the day without giving into them.I'm really not sure how to keep myself busy.It's awful yesterday I had no urges at all and today it's all I can think about.To those we haven't heard from in a while hope you are all okay either way it would be good to hear from you.
sandy
#62 Posted : Friday, 8 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Where is everyone?I hope you're all okay.I made it through the day and somehow I feel "Clean" can't make sense of that feeling but for today that's what it feels like.
hocko
#63 Posted : Friday, 8 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Welcome Adman,
You have come to the right place. We are all in the same situation as you and understand completely what you are experiencing. Keep on posting and we will all support you through your struggle.
Sandy, those urges are awful, aren't they. If you are having trouble keeping busy, do you have a hobby that interests you or is there anything you've always wanted to do but never got around to it? Now's the time to do it. I've found that doing something I really like, which with me is gardening, I have managed to keep the urges away. It's worth a try, anyway.
Take care everyone.
hocko
#64 Posted : Friday, 8 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Sandy, congratulations and what a good feeling it must be. I'm still gamble free and don't even have urges at the moment. I'm a bit worried about Kimy as she hasn't posted for a while.
adman
#65 Posted : Friday, 8 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Thanks Sandy and Hocko its nice knowing there are people out there to support you!! No gambling today, so a good start and I haven't had many urges....but i know they will come later on in the day. I hope you hold in there Sandy!!
sandy
#66 Posted : Saturday, 9 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Jeannie sorry to hear about your bad week was it a slip or just a bad week.Kimy good to hear from you how have you been mananging?Thanks for your encouragement Hocko.
kimy
#67 Posted : Saturday, 9 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone i am so sorry for not posting i have had major probs with my computer caused by the storms that we had, things seem to be up and running now so i am back. I have been reading the posts and it is awesome to know everyone is still around. Welcome adman you will find this site of great use we all have.
jeannie
#68 Posted : Saturday, 9 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi a quick check in before going to work It has been a totally disaster week for me.
will post later. Welcome Adman
circadian
#69 Posted : Sunday, 10 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi all
Jeannie, sorry to hear about your bad week. Hope you are picking yourself up. Don't let one bad week undo all the progress you have made. Let today (or tomorrow) be a fresh start. You are such a strong person and your valuable input has carried me through many bad weeks, so just know it will get better again.

Sandy, hope you are hanging in there. I understand that "clean" feeling so well. Keep it up.

Hocko, well done. Every day that you are gamble-free is a victory.

Kimy, glad to hear from you again. Hope you are doing ok.

I saw the debt-counsellor again to finalise things and I must admit, I feel so much better. There will be no money for gambling, which is a good thing, and all my creditors will be paid every month. We are working on a 5-year plan, but whenever possible I will pay in more, and hopefully I will be debt-free in 3 years. I had to let my domestic worker go today, as part of my financial restructuring, which was very hard, as she had been working for me for 10 years and is really like one of the family, but I found her an awesome job and she will be taken care of. I know for some people the thought of a domestic worker (maid) is a strange one, but in SA it is very common. She cleaned my home and did laundry, helped me bring up my kids and was my right hand for all the years I worked night-shift. For the last few years I did not really need her, but employed her out of loyalty. There were tears all around today as we said goodbye, as she was a second mother to all of us. This addiction has really impacted on everyone in my life!

I am off to work. Have a good weekend everyone.
adman
#70 Posted : Sunday, 10 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi Everyone

Thank you for the welcome....

I thought I was nearly going to blow it today, so before I did, I read some of your messages and that gave me enough to change my plans...so that was great.

Today is my third gamble free day. Its amazing how many thoughts you have about gambling, when you can sit back and actually notice it, it is staggering. Just even watching the olympics my mind is ticking over with thoughts such as I wonder how much they are paying to win etc etc....

I hope everyone is well and enjoying your weekends
kimy
#71 Posted : Monday, 11 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone i am so sorry to have to post that today is a fresh start and day1 for me. I was doing so so well then had a slip last night. Time to try another tactic i think??????????. I have joined the local gym and i will start going there and see what happens. Hope no one else has slipped you all seem to be doing amazing. Good on you Adman day three is great. Keep it up
hocko
#72 Posted : Monday, 11 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone,
Adman, you are doing really well - keep it up. Kimy, so sorry about your slip, but I believe you have the right approach by joining the gym. You will feel so much better about yourself and you are giving yourself some "me" time. And lets face it, you probably won't even think about gambling whilst exercising.
Circadian, you definitely are on the right track with your debt counsellor. They seem to really know what they are doing. I'm sure you will come out of this debt free and a new approach to life.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
I'm still gamble free, but had bad urges yesterday. I thought about how much I lost last time and soon lost the urges. I now exercise every day which is helping me feel good, even though the sore muscles remind me all the time that I should have started this sooner.
Take care everyone.
taysh
#73 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone. As stated above it looks like everyone has the right mentality around this problem, even with all the slips they are getting up and keep on trying. Like others here I slipped last week. It was Thursday as I simply found myself down town with a bit of time to spare. Spare time is a real issue when I am in town. Anyway, despite gambling $200.00 it was $200 I had won off $20 so I didn't lose money I had earning (only the stuff I had won). Doesn't make me feel better, it just means I didn't get myself in the poo. I was at the two week point of not gambling. This two week point seems to be a real hurdle for me as I was there last time too. Like all of you though I have got on, taken close care of myself over the weekend and am now on day four.

Fandango, wow Europe would be fantastic. I hope it all comes together for you. As for your sister managing your finances - although that is a hassle it works out in the end. One you will only have a certain amount of money which helps with your addictions, and two it will help you save/pay off stuff so that you have money for EUROPE. It's an awesome thing. As for the doctor asking the question regarding gambling, yes I know you slipped but remember it was one slip in 10 months. That's still phenomenal progress.

Jeannie, I know you have struggled with your older son. It must simply be heart wrenching to see him. I know you are doing the right thing (tough love and all) but I can understand how difficult you must find it. You have an amazing inner strength for your kids. Now you need it for yourself as well. You have to remember to take care of yourself. That you got through the weekend without trying to drown out the pain with gambling says a lot. Well done.

Hocko, hope you have a good time away. At least it will be 9 days without gambling once you are back (if there is no opportunity - which I hope is the case). Take care and have fun.

Well done Sandy for not gambling and "feeling clean". I do know what you mean by that. Before slipping that's how I was feeling everytime I put a star on my calendar for days not gambled.

Everyone else. Take care and stay gamble free.
sandy
#74 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hocko and Kimy I don't know if it helps or not but when I was in gambling mode which was of course 7 days a week.It consumed me win or lose all I could think of was where the next dollar would come from to enable me to play.I went to any lenghts to get to the dam machines as often as I could.When I finally realized I had lost everything including all my self respect and wanted to stop I slipped up many times and may very well again,but the difference is my focus now is trying to give up not trying to play.So even though we do slip along the way we have turned our whole thinking around so slowly the days between slips will stretch out until we can be in recovery and not denial.Anything has to be better than being in that big black hole of doind it all day everyday.At least that's how I feel although of course when I have a slip I feel rat**** but if I look at the whole picture its like I say we are now trying not to gamble as opposed to trying to work out how we can.
Jeannie and Taysh I hope your both okay.Taysh not sure when your pay week is as I know these are the tough ones for you.Circadian I hope now you've addressed your debts your feeling a little better.My family go away on the 30th and I'm am dreading it I will definitely have to have something in place with so much time on my hands.Take care everyone.
sandy
#75 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Sorry Fandango your posting wasn't showing when I posted.What a wonderful opportunity and as you say a great incentive!At least you are paying off your loans which is great.You're doing so well and what goes around comes around,or as one door closes another one opens and I'm just delighted for you as I know how committed to your work you are.Thanks for sharing that and as you say just one day at a time.
jeannie
#76 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
jeannie

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Hi everyone, It seems that gradually we are getting this thing licked, yes a few slips along the way. but as Sandy says at least we are increasing our thought processes to stop rather than think about the opportunity of gambling every day. That has to be an improvement in any ones language. At the very least I can at least sleep at night without the pokies going around and around in my head. It is not a daily need anymore whereby I would do anything to gamble. I no longer take my breaks at work and gamble and obviously get back to work late and thereby threaten my job stability. I can hold a conversation with others without thinking I have to get out of here and go to the pokies. It is no longer a 24hour daily need. Yes as I look back there have been many improvements and NO I have not got there yet and, yes I still slip and sometimes totally bomb out. However no matter how long it has taken me to get to this point in recovery. I have at least got to this point. If we keep trying then we can only get better at not gambling.

My weekend has been OK I haven't gambled although friday was different. I had per chance ran into my eldest son, it was very heart breaking, I just wanted to give him a big hug, but couldn't. I have been crying since. Still I hope that he gets his life together. I tried to tell him that it was for both our sakes that the break had to be made, he couldn't see it and does not understand what events took place that night. He was high on drugs at the time, I wish things where different, but they are not. Maybe one day, here's wishing too it anyway.

Fandango, fantastic opportunity. You must be stoked. A goal to strive for. Am I allowed to be just a tiny bit jealous!!!!

Hocko. You will beat this thing. You are only human and it seems that for a lot of us that slipping is inevitable all though far from desirable. It happens. ( What I wish to do I don't and what I wish not to do I do). You can move on from that, look at how things are different to when you first put your feet on the road to recovery. Know that it is just a pothole in the road that you happend to step in. Don't be too angry with yourself. I guess that one of the keys is how to manage the urges. at times and probably most of the time we can manage this well but it is the sneaky urges that are difficult. Just keep pushing on. You are doing great.

Kimy, sounds like the gym is one way to go. Me I cannot envisage myself in leotards, that would indeed be a sight for sore eyes. It is important that we fill the blanks that gambling previously filled and give something more to our lives, whether its the gym or orchids or whatever to find something that we enjoy doing is a great step. You again remind me that I too must find another activity outside the family and work.

Adman how are you going? Each day gamble free is an achievement in its self.

Circadian it sounds like you have been through the mill. Although the decisions you have had to make lately have been really hard in the end it will enable you to live again. Will you still have contact with your domestic worker? that I am guessing was probably one of the hardest thing of all. Gambling does effect us and others in many ways that we don't envisage or mean at the time. Maybe in the future you will be able to re establish that which you have lost. At the very least at least your financial burden has lessened and you now have an opportunity for a fresh start.

I still have my house on the market and have that many debts that to think of them it is too daunting so I can only attack it one bite at time. there is no more opportunities of overtime, so it has to be a strict budget, which I find nigh impossible for me, especially with teenagers!!!!!

So far no gambling over the past few days the need to go is right up there, so I am trying to think past that and not gamble for today.

Take care everyone
hocko
#77 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone,
Well, I had another slip yesterday. I didn't lose any money, but I'm very upset with myself. I'm going away for 9 nine days tomorrow to visit a friend, so that should keep my mind off gambling. Sometimes I think I'm never going to beat this thing.
fandango
#78 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi all,

I'm not having the greatest of days today, no doubt in large measure because it's Monday!

I haven't gambled since the slip in Australia, and I have no plans to, a day at a time.

But I am struggling to let go completely of it, even though my AA sposnor suggested I can and that's no longer relevant.

I was at the doctor's this morning and he asked me how staying gamble-free was going. He is a kindly man, and it was an innocenty query. But I felt really awful admitting to the slip, especially since I had a good run of not gambling.

I have got a new focus which will help me redouble my efforts to stay clean (and sober).

I have been fortunate enough to secure a work-related trip to Europe next year. I don't want to give any too many details about it, because I want to protect my anonymity, but naturally enough I am really excited about it.

Because it's only for a week, it's an opportunity to spend another week on top of that working in Europe and have a week off, probably in the UK.

So I have an incentive now to look ahead to in the medium-term. It's going to take another seven months to pay off my sister and then I reckon I'll spend another seven months or so saving the money which would otherwise be going off the loan.

It's an opportunity to clean up several areas of my life where I need to quit certain behaviours for good.

I am struggling a lot at the moment with the effects of my last lot of serious gambling a year or 18 months ago, including the fact that my sister is yet again managing my finances.

For any one who is newly in recovery, believe me when I say the effects of gambling are considerable and long-lasting.

Well, that is where I'm at. Hope everyone is well. I would welcome your feedback.

F
circadian
#79 Posted : Tuesday, 12 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
circadian

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Hi all
Adman, welcome to the forum. Well done on making it through the day. Reading the posts on this forum is a wonderful help and has carried me through many a difficult day. You are right, the addict's mind is sometimes his greatest enemy, but it can be your best ally too. I am sitting at home thinking of all the poor souls losing millions in gambling venues all over the world and right now my only feeling is pity for them.

Kimy, these things happen. The most important thing is what you will do today. Let go of yesterday and look forward. Joining a gym is an excellent idea. Exercise helps the brain release the same happy hormones that gambling does, and that is what we really crave. I find that the more things I do that make me happy, the less I want to gamble.

Hocko, thanks for your encouragment. I am feeling like a different person now that I no longer have to carry that stone of financial stress around in my stomach! I see this as a complete new start and I am going to make it work. Well done on fighting those urges. We all know how hard it is, and how our mind tries to trick us into surrender. Keep up the exercise. I got us a Wii Fit Board, and I exercise at home whenever I have free time, plus I go to gym once a day during the week. It is keeping my mind and body in good shape, which really makes me feel good and helps me fight the unhealthy urges. I am going to stop smoking too. Time to get rid of all addictive behaviour, I think!

Hope you all had a great weekend.
jeannie
#80 Posted : Saturday, 16 August 2008 12:00:00 a.m.(UTC)
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Hi everyone. This is my second attempt at posting the other is lost in cyber space somewhere. How is everyone? It has been very quiet here I can only think that either everyone is watching the olympics or gone to the olympics. Me I have done neither but trying to adjust to day shift after a long stint of night shift. Funny how you can be falling asleep in the day and then wide awake at night, had to not turn up to work the other day as my shift started at 7am and I only fell asleep at 5 am. Not a good look.
Taysh thanks for your words. I know that I really had no other choice as I had my other children to think about. Rationally I can accept that. I will hope and pray for the day that he comes back a whole person, until then I must accept what is. Yes it is very heart breaking, on another note it also gives me a better understanding towards parents whose children suffer, and they suffer along side, be it in a different way for both parties.

I have had a couple of positive days, for some reason I am feeling more confident and more in control. I don't know whether anyone else feels this, and I am not condoning gambling in anyway, but one of my huge hurdles is the idea of never going back to the pokies never having an evening out( bare in mind that what I am sharing is an example of rationalization to its enth degree) Part of me never wants to give up fully, and the idea of having to do just that fills me with dread, as I love the thrill, (fantastical thinking I know, but thoughts nethertheless) and to give up totally brings me to the point that I have to accept that I am a compulsive gambler, a thought that I would rather not accept on one hand, on the other hand what gambling has done to my life I abhor and it fills me with a deep seated sadness, and I never want to to there again. I wonder whether that mixture of thought is the basis to the many urges that we all suffer and deal with on a day to day basis. So how to deal with this effectively. As I said giving up is not an option and not giving up is not an option, such confusion and paradyms or it can be described as ambivolence. Anyway I have come up with a plan that will fill both needs and that is that I have decided that it will be OK to go back when I am completely out of debt and my life is running smoothly, the catch, I am at least a 1/4 of a million in debt, so by the time I get out of debt I should be at least 90 years old and by that time I will probably spending my time wearing coke bottom glasses and sipping tea and playing patience or passing the day at a day centre, with a nnursing home bed to boot. As you can see it fills both needs I have not said I will never gamble again, and when the time comes the chances of gambling are miniscule, which means sticking to the plan I will cease completely. In one way I am giving myself permission to feel and think these desires, which takes away the anxiety of having to change my thinking totally straight away, and thereby lessening the impact of thoughts, and at the same time providing myself protection against constant break outs. Hope I am making sense.

Also I feel more confident in the fact that I am able to have a little faith that there is a higher power that will be with me in my daily fight, and this is also where the support of others is so important. I can only strive to attain to my goal and then live on a day to day basis.

For today I am walking tall.

To all take care
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