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youngmum
#1 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
youngmum

Rank: Newbie

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 4

Ok well Im new here and dont know where to start but I have no one else to turn to.
My father has a gambling problem,has done my whole life and throughout his marriage to my mum,it broke them up breifly 17 years ago when my younger brother was a baby but they got back together,maybe it was his promises that made mum take him back I do not know.It has been an ongoing problem,my mum cannot trust him with money,they dont have a credit card and the bank account is in her name and she is the only one with an eftpos card.I never knew how bad it was till I found out a few years ago that he blew $700.Then,I think it was earlier this year he had borrowed over $700 off of two of my pensioner grandparents(so about $1500)to avoid getting dealt to by some nasty people he borrowed money off of,mum was furious but still didnt leave him.

Yesterday I was speaking to my Dad and he mentioned how my older brother wasnt speaking to him,naturally I asked why....there is a place my dad goes to play snooker and he took my 2 brothers and my younger brothers friend along to play snooker,my brother had a bet on a dog race and won some money,he gave some to my Dad to put in the pokies(which I am angry about but my dad was asking my 18 year old brother for money for the pokies which I found out later!!)my dad then told me my brother went straight back and told my mum.Now I was upset that my brother a)giving my dad the money for the pokies giving him the temptation knowing that a small win could cause a huge relapse and b)that he did it and then told my mum knowing it would hurt her and their marriage after he gave my dad the means to cause a possible relapse.
I was ready to disown my own brother because I was lead to believe he did this horrible thing and in doing so I would lose a supportive sister in law,my 3 yr old niece and my week old niece,both of whom are my daughters(and daughter to be)cousins.
Dad urged me to forget it and not mention anything to my brother or my mum.

Now it is true my brothers both gave Dad small amounts of money to play the pokies,he apparently begged them for the money.BUT my brother didnt run and tell my Mum. That day dad had taken the car and eftpos card(which mum trusted him with)to get new tyres and a wheel alignment.Dad raised mums suspicions by withdrawing the money and not paying by eftpos,Dad claimed the guy was doing it as a "cash job" which mum knew was a lie but left it alone.After talking to my brother on the phone he said"good that you got a free wheel alignment ay"which meant she knew straight away Dad had lied....he had told her the tyres were $45 and the alignment was $40 so out of $100,$55 was not accounted for.She still decided not to mention it to Dad,she asked my younger brother if he had given dad money and my younger brother answered but the rung my dad at work and told him what Mum had asked him causing my Dad to get very very angry at my mum.

The club he plays snooker at has membership fees which were due($40) mum gave dad a cheque written out to the club thinking it was safe,a week later he gets a letter asking for the fees,she thought it was a mistake until she remembered a day around the time dad got the cheque he got all weird and had to go and do something.....he had gone to the club treasurer and cashed the cheque!!!
There is proof that he is gambling again,except yesterday he SWORE to ME his CHILD THAT HE WASNT!!!
I am really hurt,I look up to my Dad he has battled alot in his life(he is a recovering alcoholic,been sober almost 30 years after he lost his first wife and 2 daughters,my mum,once he was sober for 2 years he and my mum got back together and eventually got married)and for that I have always been proud of him he attends AA meeting religiously and I am so proud,but he has lied to me.....I couldve lost so much(my brother,sis in law,nieces and disowning them meant hurting my mother and damaging my great relationship with her)and the fact that it felt like he was trying to get me on HIS side,I shouldnt be made to feel like that.I am 30 weeks pregnant with a condition that is affecting me physically,I have depression,I have an 18 month old and all of that is putting strain on my own young marriage.I dont deserve the stress,I love both my parents equally.....they have been through alot of rough times lately and Dad has been using me as a sounding board but it put so much pressure on me I felt like I couldnt cope knowing so much(which is how I feel now)so I asked him not to discuss his marital problems with me(Im his CHILD i shouldnt be his shoulder to cry on)and he got so angry at me and continues to use me as his sounding board.

I know too much about matters I shouldnt and I have had alot put on my shoulders and shouldnt have been put in this position(Im 21 with my own young family I have my own stresses to deal with)and I know that unless I talk to someone Im not going to cope.....Im sorry I know alot of this has nothing to do with gambling but once I started typing I couldnt stop,Im sorry if this isnt allowed but I dont know what to do

Are there any support groups like AA for gamblers?I want to approach my father about his problem but I also want to know of the resources available to him that I can suggest.....empty promises only go so far...I want to see him make an effort,I dont want to lose my Dad but seeing the effect it is having on my family well I am willing to do what I have to.

PLEASE if you have ANY advice Id really appreciate it
youngmum
#2 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
youngmum

Rank: Newbie

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 4

sorry to post again but just spoke with my mum who is now saying she doesnt know if dad is gambling and doesnt think he is after 7 hours ago admitting she thought he was gambling,is she in denial?arrgghhh I hate this so much,I let things get to me and I cant block it out
anonymous
#3 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
anonymous

Rank: Advanced Member

Groups: Registered
Joined: 1/08/2012(UTC)
Posts: 1,640

Hi Youngmum,

Thanks for sharing what is going on for you. Firstly there is an AA for people that gamble, it is called Gamblers Anonymous. In saying that it is up to your father to choose to go.

Youngmum feel free to share what you want. The stress plus a young child and another on the way all tie in together. This forum is here to support you and give you space to express yourself safely.

There is support out there for you also. You can call us at the Gambling Helpline 0800 654 655. Here you will get support over the telephone. There is also free one on one counseling that you can go to.

Well done Youngmum for expressing yourself and remember that there is support out there for you.

GH Admin.
youngmum
#4 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
youngmum

Rank: Newbie

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 4

I know I cant help him unless he is willing to admit he has a problem....but he thinks he is in control of it,so guess there is not alot I can do
circadian
#5 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
circadian

Rank: Advanced Member

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Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 136

Hi Youngmum
Having a gambler in your life is like having a perpetual irresponsible, naughty toddler who refuses to learn about the consequences of their actions around. It is very hard, and you are right, you should not have to deal with this. Welcome to the forum. Here you can say anything, because we are here to listen and give advice where we can. I am a recovering gambler and my own daughter was only 18 when she had to deal with my lies. It was terrible and, looking back, I feel so sad about what I did to her. The truth is that we can only change ourselves, nobody else can do it for us, and if your Dad does not admit that he has a problem, and seeks help, there is very little you can do about it. The best your family can do is to avoid enabling him, and it seems as if you are already doing this to a large extent. The most important thing here is for you to realise that you are not responsible for your Dad's actions. Don't take it on your shoulders to change him. If you contact the helpline, I am sure they will give you excellent advice on how to handle the situation.
Take care and let us know how you are doing.
youngmum
#6 Posted : Thursday, 4 June 2009 11:15:00 a.m.(UTC)
youngmum

Rank: Newbie

Groups: Registered
Joined: 3/06/2009(UTC)
Posts: 4

My mum couldnt trust him with petrol money tonight,thats very sad
I asked him this morning if he was still gambling he said no but I couldnt believe him.My brother has told my mum my dad is scary when he gambles and to think my dad could be like that is terrifying
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